Every year I write a Reflection of the previous year. I have been doing this for probably 10 years now. It started out as just a personal thing, but as the years have gone by I have added more and more recipients. I had no idea that so many people would be affected by my little thoughts and experiences, but some actually ask me about it, wanting to make sure I have not forgotten or that they were not left off the email list.
Last year my Reflection was very emotional. This year, I am not so sure. It is what it is, and the lessons learned are true and valuable, but sometimes I am hardened by things that happen in the year, and it makes it difficult to express myself in the way I originally intend. It is also challenging to write about an entire year in just one sitting, so it typically is something that takes me a few weeks and several edits before it is complete. And, regardless of the year I had, my current mood is always a factor in the tone of the piece.
So I completed my Reflection tonight. But I still wanted to blog. I felt like although I wrote about the past, I wasn't giving enough credit to the hope of the future! I am really excited about the future b/c I have created some significant goals and challenges for myself, and I intend to see them through! One of those goals is to write more in general, so by blogging I am already accomplishing something!
Some of my goals include writing an undisclosed number of children's books, finding an Illustrator, helping Brett with his business stuff, trying to supplement my income so that I can somehow get down to 3 days a week at work, getting pregnant with #2, cleaning more often, reading more books, riding my bike more strenuously, taking the stairs when I am solo, communicating better with my husband, being a better role model for my child, sleeping more...and the list goes on, but those are just a few to give you an idea of where my mind is these days.
Speaking of these days, I have had some encounters over the last few days with people who were less than kind to me and my child. I am not perfect. I am no where near perfect, and I have been downright rude and out of line myself from time to time, and I am aware of it, and I am sorry for it, but after a series of these kinds of things this weekend alone, it makes me even more eager to raise my child to be a caring, forgiving, and kind-hearted person. The truth is I have to lead by example. If I go all Jerry Springer in front of my child on some random person who offended me, I am not practicing the art of self-control, nor am I exhibiting compassion, b/c at the end of the day, we all go off the deep end sometimes, and I don't always know what kind of day that person may have been having. Is having a bad day an excuse for rudeness? No, I don't believe so. Does it justify taking out your aggression on someone you don't even know? Nope, not in my book. But if having a bad day is the straw that broke the camel's otherwise even-tempered back and resulted in some poor communication decisions and tasteless exchanges with random strangers, well, I would hope someone would be forgiving to me in that situation, b/c I know it has happened before.
I once exploded at a girl in a tanning salon b/c they did not have the right sticker shape for my super hot stuff tan tattoo I'd been working on for weeks. I completely let loose, cursing, going off about how poor their customer service was, saying I would not be coming back, all sorts of ridiculous accusations...all completely UNJUSTIFIED and all pretty much b/c of my own need to gain control over my own miserable life and how perfectly I could do that if I just blamed someone else. At that time in my life I was not mature enough to face that girl again, so I didn't go back.
More recently, while pregnant, I went off on a guy at the post office who was actually being nice to me and waiting on me efficiently (as opposed to the typically slow, lazy service we all normally get). I suppose I could have just blamed that one on hormones, but I ended up apologizing to the guy profusely.
The truth is, none of us are saintly. We all say and do things that we don't even realize are rude or hurtful to strangers or people we don't think even touch our lives, but the way we treat people out in the world may make or break someone's day. I am not always great at it, but I try to do little things like smile at the driver who let me in his lane, hold the door for the lady behind me, say have a nice day when people get off the elevator, etc. These behaviors are things I can do every day as examples of kindness for my little Jack-Bo to witness and learn so that he can do them too. I am not going to pretend I do these things consistently b/c God knows I am certainly flawed, but generally speaking, I try to put forth the effort to be nice.
So...to the lady at the zoo who snapped at Jack, I forgive you. Don't do it again, or else, but I hope your next zoo adventure is better than your last. And to the lady in the fitting room, I'm sorry I caught you off guard, regardless of our differing ways of communicating (I use words; you use door slams and mean hateful glares), but maybe the mirror was your real enemy and I was just the innocent bystander. I forgive you too. And to all the people out there who will read this and remember doing something regretful to a stranger, forgive yourselves b/c you are only human, and just try to do better next time.
Gosh, I am the queen of tangents!
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