This is what it looks like when they tell you your unborn baby is not alive. The unmarked, straight white line, which should be filled with little heartbeat blobs transforms into a never-ending needle that instantly pierces your heart which explodes in your chest, making it so you can't breathe or speak. Then, in disbelief, you strain to hear what isn't there and the needle is back, puncturing your eardrums now, and shrieking a long, beat-less scream. All you hear is the loudest nothing, which is deafening, and all you feel is the sharp sting of emptiness. I'd had some bleeding early on in my pregnancy with Jack, so they did an ultrasound and we got to see his heartbeat, a moment that Brett and I will never forget, as we saw for the first time the life we had created together growing and living inside me. This time around, I had some bleeding too, so I was not worried, but rather I was eager to go for that same, precautionary ultrasound. It was the Tuesday after Thanksgiving. I'd been feeling very sick to my stomach and tired, all normal signs of pregnancy. We were seeing the midwife that morning. I was excited and giddy, and we laughed a lot during the midwife appointment, joking about being confirmed pregnant by their test, even though I'd done 6 of my own. As we fully expected everything to be fine after our initial visit with the midwife that morning, we kissed goodbye and Brett went on his way to work. I went to the ultrasound appointment by myself.
See Baby, LLC was crowded, and I had to wait a bit, but I didn't mind. I was missing work, which I was confident I could make up, and this was all more important anyway. Finally they called me back to a relaxing, spa-like room, with soft music and dim lights. The table was a tan suede and there was a pillow used to lift me up, as the ultrasound tech explained this was a "stirrup-free office." I thought to myself this is a fancy place!
She began the scan on my abdomen, and right away I had a bad feeling. When I asked her anything all she said was sometimes this early they need to do a vaginal scan. A few minutes later she had me go to the restroom and position myself for that one when I came back. During the vaginal scan, my heart started to sink. I was panicked. She wouldn't tell me anything! Finally I asked is there even a baby??? She said there was and showed me where on the screen. For a moment I relaxed. Then I just sat still and silent while she continued to freeze the screen for measurements. She said nothing. Then she turned the sound monitor on and all there was was a static-y silence. I asked her again if she could tell me anything, but this time she just said, the doctor will talk to you. She seemed sad. I was freaking out inside. I said, so there is a baby, but there is no heartbeat? This time she answered. "There is no heartbeat."
A few minutes later, she went to get Dr. Bootstaylor. He wanted to confirm for himself whatever they weren't telling me. He spoke calmly and soothingly and said we'd talk about things in his office. He clearly didn't want to have this sort of conversation during a vaginal ultrasound. I suppose that was better, if there is to be any sort of "better" in a situation like this. When he left the room, I got dressed and then I was escorted to a seat in the hallway where I was to wait again. I texted my mother, and I texted Brett; both responded with instant concern and some level of terror. I didn't write much, just that there was no heartbeat and I was waiting again. I didn't really know what that meant yet, but I did know it wasn't a good sign.
Dr. Bootstaylor is the nicest doctor I've ever met. He showed me pictures and explained everything to me, and all I wanted was for him to be mean so I could hate him for the terrible news he was telling me. My baby was not alive. My baby's heart was not beating and he diagnosed this as a "non-viable pregnancy," telling me I would miscarry within 1 to 4 weeks. I cried in his office. I felt so alone. I asked a lot of questions. When? "It must have been very recent b/c of the size." Well, how big did it measure? "6 weeks and 2 days." Well that has to be wrong b/c I'm only 5 weeks and 6 days. "Are you sure about your last menstrual cycle dates?" Yes, I was sure. I was 100% certain I had not miscalculated. "Do you mind if we take another look?"
For a moment I was filled with hope. Maybe they were wrong. Maybe this is a mistake! He wants to look again! We have another chance! But, the outcome was the same. No heartbeat. Dr. Bootstaylor told me my options: a D&C, medicine to move it along, or waiting it out naturally. I wanted to know what is normal, what do most people do? "Most people go home and let it sink in with their families." He told me the midwife would get his report and call me to discuss the options in more detail. He was so kind and genuinely compassionate. He was so attentive and truly focused on me. I asked him if I could come back, and he nodded and said I could. Then he stopped, looked me straight in the eyes and said with the most direct and certain of tones, "Let me be clear. It is ABSOLUTELY okay for you to come back."
I left See Baby and somehow managed to make it back to my car, which was parked on the very top level of the parking deck, uncovered and in the rain. I sat in my car and wept, the tears just flowing, and I could no longer see the rain on my windshield through the flooding in my own eyes. I called my mother, who by this time was having her own meltdown worrying about me, and I called Brett, who had pulled over on the side of the road waiting for my call and was kicking himself for not being there with me during this tragic experience. We decided to meet back at home.
The rest of that day is blurry. I don't remember what I did other than try to sleep and pretend this wasn't happening. I prayed a lot. I cried and cried and cried. The midwife called and talked to me for a bit. I asked her if maybe it was just too early, but she said no. Dr. Bootstaylor is a perinatologist, not just some random OB. He operates on the unborn! He would not diagnose something like this lightly. The midwife suggested that I avoid the D&C and try to wait it out naturally.
My emotions were unstoppable. They just poured out like open floodgates. I couldn't control them! I was terrified of what was going to happen to my body. I was freaking out about what I was going to tell my work. I was scared of how long it would take and if would hurt. I was haunted by the idea that I was carrying a dead baby! I was heartbroken and grieving for the loss of a child I already loved. I was shocked and still in disbelief, doubting what was supposed to be this determined truth. I was angry at God! I was thinking the most horrific things could have caused this, like a fight with Brett, or me yelling at Jack or Jack kicking me in the stomach. I was sad to explain to Jack that there wasn't a baby in my belly. I was actually embarrassed that I had told some people already, feeling like I'd jinxed things. I felt like a failure, like my own body was failing me. I was so hungry and thought my eating must be a side effect of the stress. I felt sick and believed it was just part of the devastation. I know many women who have lost an unborn baby, but until now, all I could ever offer as comfort was "I can't imagine what you must be feeling." Now I knew what it was like, and it was the worst day of my life.
Before the call from the midwife, I had already emailed the kind doctor.
Dear Dr. Bootstaylor,I have not received a call from Margaret's practice yet, and nothing has happened on my end. Is it possible that this is just a misnomer? I don't want a D&C or medicine. That seems so unnatural and abortion-like. I don't judge others, but that doesn't feel right for me. How long until it is either revealed that the baby is alive or it becomes dangerous for my body to carry a non-viable fetus.Thank you.
His response came late that night.
Noted.I can appreciate your level of comfort and personal sentiment.Regarding the diagnosis, it is certain. Regarding when your body will begin to go through a natural process of miscarriage, that is uncertain. It could be days or weeks. More importantly, it is not harmful to you (physically). Waiting is an option that many patients choose, and it's a safe option.Regarding Intown Midwifery, they received the information and report, this afternoon. They may have been very busy. I also know that Margaret was out of town until early this evening. Please don't hesitate to call their office in the morning.If I can be of any further assistance, please don't hesitate to call my office (404-223-9306) or send an e-mail.Thank you.
Jack was mostly with GRandi during this time. I was in a deep depression and unable to even cope with being around him, but by Thursday I started to accept the news and wanted it to hurry up and just be over. Every time I went to the bathroom I took with me a little plastic Tupperware to "catch the baby," just in case. I really did not know what to expect, but I knew I didn't want to just flush it without seeing it. The internet was an inconsistent and awful resource, so I had it in my mind that I would push during a bowel movement and the baby would come out with a thick clot of blood, a little alien form with eyes like poppy seeds and the size of a black bean. I thought it would feel like terrible menstrual cramps and the beginning of labor. Every time I felt the slightest pang I rushed to the bathroom in both fear and anticipation. How long was this going to take? I needed to get on with my life! I needed to be a mom to Jack! I needed to go back to work!
I called Dr. Bootstaylor and left him a message. He returned my call and I asked him more questions. If I had another scan, what would we be looking for to confirm something was happening? He said we would see shrinkage in size, deterioration. We also discussed the abnormally large size as being a contributing factor to the impending miscarriage. I asked was Friday was long enough to wait to expect to see something, to confirm the miscarriage was happening? He said every day that goes by should have some change.
Although I was praying, I was trying not to hold onto too much false hope. My mother's doubt was wavering back and forth, and never did she once fully commit to the doctor's diagnosis. My sister questioned over and over that maybe it was just too early, but then even she felt like her thoughts were just setting me up for more diappointment. We were confused as to why I was having the upset stomach, saying it was like a slap in the face and calling it "mourning" sickness. I finally decided I could no longer stand the waiting and I wanted some medicine to move things along. I was worried about the timing with needing to go back to work, but between Dr. Bootstaylor's words - "Let me be clear. It is ABSOLUTELY okay for you to come back." - and my mother's consistent prodding, I decided I needed more proof before I did anything unnatural to my body.
On Friday morning, December 2nd, I went back to See Baby, LLC. This time Brett was with me. We had a different ultrasound tech. I was already crying before she began the vaginal scan. Brett was sitting in a chair next to me as I was on the fancy table with the special pillow propping me up. We watched the screen, but then I just looked away. I was tense and the tech told me to try to relax. I said something to the effect of what's the point? I know it is going to be the same. Then in a little sing-song voice with a Russian accent she said, "I don't think so; there is heartbeat!" My eyes raced back to the screen and there it was, the most beautiful pulsating blob I'd ever seen! I wept uncontrollably, and Brett stood over me and squeezed my hand and we both cried together and held each other, and the tech asked me to try to be still so we could hear, and then she turned up the sound monitor and there it was! A white line filled with precious little heartbeat blobs! It sounded like angels singing! The only thing I've ever heard that compares with that is the sound of Jack's laughter!
This is what it looks like when you're carrying a miracle! The straight white line is filled with little heartbeat blobs, each one like a trumpet announcing the life that bursts inside you! The joy that rushes your heart is overwhelming and mixed with a new kind of disbelief and fear again of the unknown! The shock that you felt before is still there, but altered and fuzzy. Your mind starts to wonder if it is playing tricks on you, and your body tenses with the instinct to protect as suddenly you are once again a vessel for the greatest gift from God. And then you feel terrified b/c you knew it was possible but maybe never believed it would happen to you!
We waited in the hall for our meeting with Dr. Bootstaylor. We were excited, but scared, nervous and anxious. We were confused! But mostly, we were amazed! As we walked into his office, he shook Brett's hand. Dr. Bootstaylor's exact words to describe this change in events were: "unequivocally miraculous!" He said "this is what faith is," and told me we have defied all odds. He said he had been 100% certain, and even now is still 99% certain, and we are the 1%! He said I have shown them a miracle. He said that he would not say he has never seen this before, but he would say it is rare beyond belief. It is truly amazing!!!
The heartbeat was a bit slow; normal is 150s, acceptable is 120s, ours was 110-112. Another ultrasound was scheduled for the following Friday to check again for better activity, but they did not seem overly concerned. They also sent me for a progesterone level test, but that came back normal. The size of the baby was also odd. In the original scan 4 days earlier, the baby measured 6 weeks and 2 days, bigger than it should have been. An inference for the lack of heartbeat could have been related to the size abnormality. The 2nd scan took place on the actual 6 weeks and 2 days marker, but now the baby measured at 5 weeks and 6 days. It was not significant enough to change the due date or worry, but it was odd that it was smaller than it was 4 days ago and yet now the heart was beating. The doctor did not want to speculate, but he did say it could have been related to fluid or a mass present in the original scans. Mostly though, he believed it was a miracle. It actually helped us to trust him and believe in him that he didn't try to come up with all sorts of explanations to justify what was ultimately a mistake in his original diagnosis. He said, "sometimes you just have to toss the science aside and go on faith."
A week later we returned to check the heartbeat again, hoping it would be in the normal range of 120-170. This is what a 138 fetal heart rate looks like! :-) Dr. Bootstaylor assured us this baby was coming! We were thrilled and beginning to feel more confident, but still I was plagued with paranoia. A week before Christmas I had some unusual bleeding. It was enough to freak me out b/c of what I was told to expect when I was waiting to miscarry. I grabbed my Tupperware again and started preparing for the worst. On Dec. 19th I went in for another ultrasound.
This is what a 166 fetal heart rate looks like! Isn't it just amazing??? It turned out the baby was fine, but the placenta was blocking my cervical canal, the starting symptoms of Placenta Previa, but Dr. Bootstaylor told us there is plenty of time for the placenta to move as my uterus expands and not to worry yet. That is a hard piece of advice to take after the roller coaster we have been on, but b/c the heartbeat was so strong, we felt really good and relieved just in time to enjoy the holidays with our little Christmas miracle baby growing inside of me!
And today we got to go back for the 12 week ultrasound! This is what our precious miracle looks like now at 11 weeks and 5 days! They did measurements to check for down syndrome indicators, but found none. We declined all genetic testing, as we also did for Jack. Jack went with us and got to see his sibling on the screen. He held my hand the whole time and they did the ultrasound on my belly, which was a nice turn of events for me!!! Also, we got to see the Physician's Assistant this time instead of Dr. Bootstaylor, which is SUPER DUPER good news b/c that means he isn't worried about us anymore! Today the baby's FHR was 159, and he/she measured 1 day ahead of actual. Wednesday marks the end of my 1st trimester, and I am really looking forward to having some energy back and saying goodbye to the nausea. Plus, I was SO READY to let the cat out of the bag and publicly share all the excitement with our family and friends! It has been extremely hard not to blog about everything as it was happening, and it was actually tough just to maintain my facebook updates b/c so many of my daily thoughts have been related to this new baby and our growing family. And lastly, I want to express our gratitude to our friends and family who already knew about this wonderful miracle and thank you for all of your prayers and positive thoughts. God has heard each and every one of you and answered our prayers! Today I saw this quote on a facebook friend's wall:
"The most important prayer in the world is just two words long:'Thank You'."
-Meister Eckhart
I thank God every day for the blessings he has bestowed upon me and my family, and I pray for our loved ones and the loved ones of others. It doesn't take but a second to acknowledge Him and just offer the most important prayer of a full and thankful heart.
Thank you, God, for the miracle of Baby McQ #2! And thank you, God, for the blessing of our sweet Jack. Thank you, God for entrusting these precious gifts into our care. Please guide us to lead them humbly in life and help us to teach them about Your unwavering love. Thank you, God. Amen.
