Reflection 2010...But This Is Not About That

Every year I write a Reflection of the previous year.  I have been doing this for probably 10 years now.  It started out as just a personal thing, but as the years have gone by I have added more and more recipients.  I had no idea that so many people would be affected by my little thoughts and experiences, but some actually ask me about it, wanting to make sure I have not forgotten or that they were not left off the email list. 

Last year my Reflection was very emotional.  This year, I am not so sure.  It is what it is, and the lessons learned are true and valuable, but sometimes I am hardened by things that happen in the year, and it makes it difficult to express myself in the way I originally intend.  It is also challenging to write about an entire year in just one sitting, so it typically is something that takes me a few weeks and several edits before it is complete.  And, regardless of the year I had, my current mood is always a factor in the tone of the piece.

So I completed my Reflection tonight.  But I still wanted to blog.  I felt like although I wrote about the past, I wasn't giving enough credit to the hope of the future!  I am really excited about the future b/c I have created some significant goals and challenges for myself, and I intend to see them through!  One of those goals is to write more in general, so by blogging I am already accomplishing something!

Some of my goals include writing an undisclosed number of children's books, finding an Illustrator, helping Brett with his business stuff, trying to supplement my income so that I can somehow get down to 3 days a week at work, getting pregnant with #2, cleaning more often, reading more books, riding my bike more strenuously, taking the stairs when I am solo, communicating better with my husband, being a better role model for my child, sleeping more...and the list goes on, but those are just a few to give you an idea of where my mind is these days.

Speaking of these days, I have had some encounters over the last few days with people who were less than kind to me and my child.  I am not perfect.  I am no where near perfect, and I have been downright rude and out of line myself from time to time, and I am aware of it, and I am sorry for it, but after a series of these kinds of things this weekend alone, it makes me even more eager to raise my child to be a caring, forgiving, and kind-hearted person.  The truth is I have to lead by example.  If I go all Jerry Springer in front of my child  on some random person who offended me, I am not practicing the art of self-control, nor am I exhibiting compassion, b/c at the end of the day, we all go off the deep end sometimes, and I don't always know what kind of day that person may have been having.  Is having a bad day an excuse for rudeness?  No, I don't believe so.  Does it justify taking out your aggression on someone you don't even know?  Nope, not in my book.  But if having a bad day is the straw that broke the camel's otherwise even-tempered back and resulted in some poor communication decisions and tasteless exchanges with random strangers, well, I would hope someone would be forgiving to me in that situation, b/c I know it has happened before.

I once exploded at a girl in a tanning salon b/c they did not have the right sticker shape for my super hot stuff tan tattoo I'd been working on for weeks.  I completely let loose, cursing, going off about how poor their customer service was, saying I would not be coming back, all sorts of ridiculous accusations...all completely UNJUSTIFIED and all pretty much b/c of my own need to gain control over my own miserable life and how perfectly I could do that if I just blamed someone else.  At that time in my life I was not mature enough to face that girl again, so I didn't go back.

More recently, while pregnant, I went off on a guy at the post office who was actually being nice to me and waiting on me efficiently (as opposed to the typically slow, lazy service we all normally get).  I suppose I could have just blamed that one on hormones, but I ended up apologizing to the guy profusely.

The truth is, none of us are saintly.  We all say and do things that we don't even realize are rude or hurtful to strangers or people we don't think even touch our lives, but the way we treat people out in the world may make or break someone's day.  I am not always great at it, but I try to do little things like smile at the driver who let me in his lane, hold the door for the lady behind me, say have a nice day when people get off the elevator, etc.  These behaviors are things I can do every day as examples of kindness for my little Jack-Bo to witness and learn so that he can do them too.  I am not going to pretend I do these things consistently b/c God knows I am certainly flawed, but generally speaking, I try to put forth the effort to be nice.

So...to the lady at the zoo who snapped at Jack, I forgive you.  Don't do it again, or else, but I hope your next zoo adventure is better than your last.  And to the lady in the fitting room, I'm sorry I caught you off guard, regardless of our differing ways of communicating (I use words; you use door slams and mean hateful glares), but maybe the mirror was your real enemy and I was just the innocent bystander.  I forgive you too.  And to all the people out there who will read this and remember doing something regretful to a stranger, forgive yourselves b/c you are only human, and just try to do better next time.

Gosh, I am the queen of tangents!

What's for Lunch?

Today I'll be serving up a heaping portion of TGIF!  That's right folks, in just a few more hours the weekend will officially be here, and I am so excited to get out and enjoy some pretty weather and special Mommy-Son time with my little Jack-Bo for the next 3 days! 

January is almost over, and I am pretty stoked about that.  Brett and I are now into our 4th year of marriage, and Jack is almost 18 months old.  Valentine's Day is coming, and LOVE is in the air!  Well, I don't know about that, but for some reason I sorta feel like February is actually when I start off the new year, and I love that I guess.  January seemed like such a reminder of all the tasks I need to do, and now that I have some of them done or at least underway, I am feeling a little better about 2011 in general. 

I know some of you are on pins and needles awaiting my Reflection piece, and I appreciate that so much; in fact I really didn't realize how many people I have somehow affected with what started to be just a personal tradition.  It is in the works, but this year has been a hard one to write b/c the time to think it through just doesn't exist anymore now that I have a toddler.  In fact, "time" doesn't exist anymore period.  My whole life is one big schedule of "appointments."  I have to make an appointment to work on things that need to get done b/c waiting for the "time" to do them is infinite procrastination.

Well, my lunch break is over, so this blog post is too.

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"Better Together" 3 Years and Counting

This is us.  I mean, REALLY us.  We laugh at each other.  We joke and "play about" with each other.  We are both funny; I'm more giddy and witty while he is silly and goofy.  We are still crazy in love with each other, and we drive each other nuts at the same time.

With the whirlwind that has been our life since the day we got engaged, sometimes it is hard to recognize the 2 lovebirds in that picture.  We get caught up in the daily grind, like was that the last diaper and is there enough money in the bank for the bills?  We forget to give each other props when we used to over-compliment.  We take for granted the little things like the morning kiss goodbye and the night time kiss goodnight, and now a kiss is often an afterthought or a deliberate showing in front of our son during a family hug. 

Sure we are affectionate, but so often it is about being good parents to Jack and teaching him what marriage should be like, but with a toddler, rarely is there a lot of privacy.

And in 16 minutes it will be our 3 year anniversary.  The reality of it all is this:  we are no longer newlyweds.  The honeymoon phase is over, the real world has come on strong, and we have been facing challenges head-on and full throttle from the moment we started our life together...but that is just it...we are TOGETHER.

Our 1st dance and wedding theme song was "Better Together" by Jack Johnson.  At the time I thought it was a pretty original choice, until my DJ informed me otherwise, but it didn't matter.  We ARE better together.    We compliment each other perfectly; our clashing personalities spice things up while our synchronized hearts beat to the tune of the same drum. 

I had to pause just now between the start of this paragraph and the end of the last b/c our sweet little Jack-Bo awoke in quite a tizzy, needing new jammies and some fresh milk.  Daddy brought him into our room and comforted him while I got the diaper and milk.  Then, as I began to change Jack, I noticed the clock said 12:05(am).  I looked at my husband and I said mid-diaper change, "Happy Anniversary."  He smiled and made a goofy face and said it back while I slightly rolled my eyes.  Then I got up to toss the old diaper and shut off some lights.  As I got back into bed I leaned over and kissed him.  It was a nice kiss, a real kiss, short and sweet, but meaningful, powerful, and loving.  Then I climbed into bed too and together, we cuddled our baby boy back to sleep. 

17 minutes later I am finishing this post, and Daddy is fast asleep in our bed with Jack.  I am about to call it a night and join them, and in the morning, as we celebrate our 3 year wedding anniversary, we'll enter our 4th year of marriage...together...and both better for it. 

(This post is dedicated to my loving husband.  I love you, Brett.  You are my hero and my soul mate!  Thank you for sharing your life with me!  Happy Anniversary!)

Quick Post Attempt

Okay, the computer clock says 11:23PM.  Let's see how quickly I can finish this post.

Tonight I rediscovered why I hate watching the news.  In about 5 minutes I heard about another possible snow storm, a stupid story about people wanting to move a HS graduation out of a church where it had traditionally been for years (it is a large building yall; no one is trying to force their religion on you, but they would like to accommodate all of your families on that special day, so shut up and accept the facility), a kidnapping, a huge apartment fire in Norcross, and a teenage girl who died in a car accident last week when her best friend (who was driving and is possibly facing charges) hit a patch of ice on their way to the mall.  How seriously depressing! 

It took us over an hour to get Jack to fall asleep tonight.  I had to be firm with him a few times and say in a strong voice "Jack, lay down in your bed RIGHT NOW."  Then I felt bad b/c I didn't want him to go to sleep with thoughts of mean mommy, so I of course followed up with an immediate "I love you" and another kiss.  I must have kissed him like 58 times or something like that.  Overall bedtime is becoming easier, but it takes FOREVER, so that is why these posts happen so late.  I am usually on my way to bed and stop off at my desk for a quick post that turns into facebooking and emailing and bill paying, etc.  I am hoping that eventually we can just put Jack to bed and leave the room and let him fall asleep himself, but as he is a 17 month old already sleeping in a toddler bed instead of a crib, we are not comfy with that yet.  As he learns to communicate more we will get to that point; plus as he gets older it gets safer for him to be in there by himself.

I am doing pretty good with my blog so far.  I can't say my posts are all very interesting, but if you don't wanna read, then don't.  I guess that is the beauty of it.  I am SO happy tomorrow is Friday.  I have stayed up way too late all week, and I am getting my hair cut this weekend for the first time in ages, and I can't wait to sleep in (a little) on Sunday!  Goodnight readers!

11:44 right now.  Hmmn...21 minutes...not really that quick...

"Dear" in Headlights

The truth is...I just wanted an excuse to try out posting a picture with a blog entry.  I don't really have a funny or interesting story that goes along with this one, other than we were on the train at the zoo going through the tunnel and this was Jack's reaction when caught off guard by the flash of my camera.  He was totally just zoning out and looking mighty serious at the same time.  Oh what a cutie pie...

Once again I am sitting at my computer with much more to say than time will allow.  Of course I have been sitting here now for well over 2 hours doing all sorts of  other "important" things, and in that time I have managed to lose track of any sort of organization in my thought process b/c it is almost 1AM, and I am tired.  That is another skill I am trying to work out - how to capture the thoughts as they happen and somehow get them "logged" so later they can be blogged.  In the meantime, I guess I'll get some sleep and just be satisfied with my picture post.

Except that I just thought of a story.

When I previewed my blog just now, seeing how I have "Dear" purposely in quotation marks to point it out as a play on words sparked a writing assignment memory from my 9th grade English teacher at PHS.  I forget exactly what the overall theme was supposed to be, but I wrote about The Lee "Familee," which is comprised of Debra Lee (my mother), Christie Lee (my sister) and Brooke Lee (myself), and the whole piece was about the bond between us.  Sharing our middle name was another way we were tied together as a family, and at that time there was no father figure in our lives, so it was just the 3 of us.  The whole story was centered around the idea of the middle name "Lee" being our real last name instead of the actual last names we had then and before.  "Lee" was consistent.  It was shared.  It was who we ALL were, and it was also given to us by our mother, who was the only unwaivering parent in the equation. 

Well, I titled the piece, The Lee "Familee," pointing out the misspelling purposefully, deliberately and by all means, cleverly with the use of the quotation marks.  Now, maybe the punctuation was not accurate or proper in the title, and I honestly don't remember exactly how I wrote it, but what I do recall is Mrs. Will-remain-nameless marked "Familee" as a misspelling.  Seriously, did she even read the freakin' paper?  I of course, being confrontational in every sense of the word and not about to take lightly being overlooked, brought the oversight to the attention of the teacher who so obviously did not find it necessary to comprehend what her students were writing, but rather marking misspellings was more her concern.  My feelings were hurt.  Writing was my favorite part of school, and I had poured my PERSONAL heart and soul into that paper, spilling details and heart-wrenching drama so freely, so innocently, so certain that someone somewhere would HEAR my story and understand me better because of it.  I was so deflated by that, and the harsh reality of "not everyone cares" began to poison my then sweet naivety.

I am pretty sure that was the same day the yearbook staff snapped my picture while I was on the phone in the couselor's office lobby and captioned it "calling home to mommy," my one close-up as a Freshman a red-faced fake smile with illuminating eyes shining in that "I just finished crying" mode.  Pure awesomeness...made even cooler by my multicolored suede jacket.

I've come a long way since then...and I'd like to think I am more forgiving and less likely to throw stones at someone who probably meant no real harm and who I am certain felt terrible at the time when called out by her student for her lack of interest in said student's passion...but even now I like to be heard, or read, and know that someone out there gets me, or at least somehow relates to me I guess.  Sometimes I am so caught up in griping about something lame that I forget to dig in to my life's other side, the side that ponders and thinks and explores with a goal of self discovery and the hope of being a part of something bigger than just myself at the same time.  Maybe my annual Reflections document taps into that stuff enough to carry me through each year and help keep me sane, but I am also hoping this blog will take me there more often.

This pattern of self-induced sleep deprivation is going to take its toll on me if I don't get some shut-eye now, and by the way, the teacher took back her misspelling marks and re-read and re-graded my paper.  I wonder if this is a lasting memory for her as well???

The Title is the Hardest Part

So this evening, as I was putting J-Bo in Time Out for the 3rd time in less than 15 minutes he screamed a deep, loud, angry scream, from way down in his gut while making an I-am-so-mad-at-you-Mommy face and glaring at me with fire-breathing dragon eyes. This particular time was after he had been standing in the kitchen backwards on a chair rocking it back and forth and climbing up the back of the chair like steps on a ladder while periodically turning around to squish a clementine orange into the counter or throw it across the room or onto the floor.  He had already been in Time Out twice for pulling Mommy's hair and then holding on and laughing as I desperately tried to release his death grip.  Each time, as I forced his little legs to bend into his Time Out chair and click-clicked the buckle closed over his thighs, my child threw this same wild tantrum. 

Well there I was, standing in the kitchen, about to enforce Time Out #3 when I suddenly had the realization that my child expresses his anger JUST LIKE ME.  His acting out was not unlike that of his mother (me), who has struggled all her (my) life with trying to find an appropriate way to channel that negative energy when it occasionally consumed her (me).  There was a time when I had my Lego's and the solitude of retreating to my room, and then there was my Tetris addiction during high school, which allowed me to zone out and listen to music while scowling and squinting at the TV screen and manipulating little shapes into stacked straight lines, and then, in my early adulthood, I wrote a lot of garbage and sad love letters and heart wrenching poetry that immediately induced guilt upon some unlucky guy(s), but even now, I sometimes find that the best way to field that genuine feeling of madness is still to have a good, from-the-gut scream and cry.

I'm not perfect.  I'm just me.  And as a parent I suppose it is my job to teach my child the necessary coping skills he needs to deal with all the times in life when he won't get his way or he is treated unfairly.  I am not going to be one of those coddling parents who is always concerned about hurting his ego or wounding his psyche.  If he misbehaves, there will be consequences.  Will he hate me for it?  Not forever.  Trust me; I know.

But why so soon?  Seriously?  17 months?  We couldn't even make it to the stereotypical "terrible twos," huh?  I am going to attribute my child's "willfulness" (yes, THAT's what we'll call it) to the fact that he is basically a genius, and every temper tantrum is just one more sign that he is far too advanced for conventional toddler-hood, and this frustrates him immensely.  His brain functions ahead of his ability to communicate, and I know what that is like too, not so much the being a genius part of course, but just the whole brain working faster than the ability to relay those thoughts.  I get that.  As I sit here typing, the only thing slowing me down is that stupid keyboarding class I didn't take, etc.   And I digress.

Today I have finally settled upon the theme for my blog.  I am sticking with "Uncaged:"  By definition, it means "released from or as if from a cage; free from restraint."  I am good with that.  It leaves me limitless, and it allows for me to write about any subject I want, implying that my blog is not simply about one specific topic, hobby or overall concept.  I have decided that being uncensored is not the exact approach I want to take though, as Mr. McQ fears I'll write something unflattering of him, and my mother reminded me today that employers and really anyone can see this blog.  They both answered my prior post in their own way and helped me realize that my writing, even as an outlet for my anger, still needs to be disciplined; I have to channel it in a way that is more mature than one of those from-the-gut screams and put myself in my own sort of Time Out I guess.  I accept the challenge, and I still intend to express myself honestly, but through the means of creativity and thoughtfulness.  Does it mean I will never swear in my writing again?  Probably not.  Does it mean I will always be soft and kind and generally PC?  I doubt it.  But it does mean that I will make a conscientious effort to choose my words wisely.  That is a lesson I continue to work on every day anyway.

I dozed off twice tonight while waiting for Jack to fall asleep so I could sneak out of his room.  The hunched over position in which I was sitting, cross-legged on the floor with my arms up on his mattress and my head resting on them, made my limbs all pins and needle-y, so much so that when I finally tried to leave, I had to wait another five minutes just to be able to stand.  I am pretty sure that most of my blog posts will be about that sweet angel of mine, yes, the same one who pulled my hair and screamed at me with all of his might.  He is, after all, his mommy's son.  The love I have for my child is more powerful than anything else I could ever feel.  I understand him...and I love him exactly as he is...my willful, angry, silly, wild, destructive, imaginative, mischievous, and dangerously adorable little genius.     

"Like Sands Through the Hourglass..."

Such sweet sinful indulgence is my addiction to daytime TV!  Well, okay, I don't get to watch it in the daytime, and it really is just one soap opera, but I am truly invested in the lives of these fictional characters.  From the baby-mama-drama and switching paternity tests to crimes of passion and secret rendezvous, I cannot get enough.  In fact, I just caught up on 4 episodes tonight since Jack has been asleep.  I am still well over a week behind, but 2 snow days helped me it least make it to the New Year's Eve episode...

It is 2011 now, and since it is after midnight it is technically January 12th.  The snow that fell in GA was beautiful, and the ice that remains is much less so, but still awesome in that it gave me an extra day to spend with my family just really hanging out and doing a whole lot of nothing.  A little computer time here, some thank you notes there, a TV show or 2 or 3 or maybe 10, and plenty of playtime with my sweet boy - that is how I took advantage of this extra time that Mother Nature so generously provided. 

And now as I sit here writing a piece about time, the time I have to write is over b/c that same sweet boy is awake and calling for his mama.  I am the luckiest woman alive b/c I am about to be hugged by an angel, and I will always have time for that!

Take 3? Take 4? I Lost Count.

Okay, so call it a resolution or whatever, but "I have a dream" to write more in 2011.  Well, this is like the 4th time I have tried to write just tonight.  Last night I was all geared up and ready, and the stupid blog site wasn't working.  Then tonight, I was super excited b/c Jack went to bed at 8:20PM, which was basically a miracle, and I had some me-time, but I spent the majority of it editing a friend's resume.  I was happy to help out the friend of course, but just as I finished that up, Mr. McQ required my companionship for TV watching since the DVR was already double-timing it and we needed to watch a show together to keep from watching one of the recording shows live.  Oh, how technology rules...

But that is not what I want to write about.  I have been trying to come up with my blog site's theme.  I started with the whole "The Zookeeper - Uncaged!" theme b/c of "The McQ Zoo" reference and me being the family manager or "Zookeeper" there.  The idea was that on The McQ Zoo Shutterfly site (http://www.bbmcquilken.shutterfly.com/) everything is all peachy and sweet and friendly, among other warm and fuzzy descriptions, and b/c I want the world (and Jack) to be privy to that site, I don't feel as though I can be truly honest in my writings or journal entries.  I can't really utilize that site as an outlet for my stress or frustrations or even just a way to vent.  For example, sometimes I want to swear.  Like even now I just wanted to say the f-word, but it doesn't come naturally to me in a shared forum.  I would like to say that is b/c I am some abnormally moral person who doesn't believe in fowl language or negative thoughts, but the real deal is I am just worried that some things will come back to haunt me, and I am not so sure I am comfy with that.  I guess that changes my whole "Uncaged" theme to "Slightly Less Censored."

Another issue I find myself battling is the concern for other people's feelings.  If a blog is supposed to be public and shared among "followers," then there is a good chance I may hurt the feelings of someone I love in my writing, especially if I am venting!  To other bloggers, how do you handle that?  Do you just suck it up and lie in your blogs and only write things that are PC enough for your loved ones to read?  Or is there a non-offensive way to approach those sensitive sorts of things?  The truth is both my stress and support often stem from the same source...and writing about that is one more way to unload and actually alleviate some of the stress.  Do I need to have some sort of completely private blog and add yet another portal to my cyber-space portfolio?  I don't have enough time to keep up with all the sites and social networking obligations I have now; how in the world do I add another?

What I really want to do is write Children's books.  So since that is actually a resolution for 2011, I suppose I should put most of my focus there during my occasional me-time, but it is even harder to tap into my creativity when I am just trying to get s#$% done.  Yes, that's right.  I wrote "s#$%."  Take that, morally superior readers!!!  Okay, now that I am done with my sidebar of in your face-ness, back to the point.  Oh, but now Mr. McQ is snoring so loudly that I cannot even think straight to continue this blog.  Oh yeah, in case you did not know, we live in a small condo and the computer is in our bedroom, and the only time I get to write is when the rest of the zoo is sleeping.

Aright, let me get serious for a minute.  My goal needs to be obtainable.  I can't say I am going to blog on here every day and actually expect that to happen.  I would kill myself trying and what I did write would lack depth.  That being said, I can't do once a month b/c then it leaves too much to write about and not enough time without narrowing down to a specific topic, which may or may not even be relevant anymore by the time I am ready to write about it.  I think I am settling on a weekly goal.  Not a specific day, but just a general once a week goal to blog.  If I do more, great, but I have to blog at least once each week.

As for themes, well I am not sure yet, so "The Zookeeper - Uncaged!" gets at least one more night to scream at the top of this page, but I am leaning towards something more like "Truth Over Medium with a Side of Censored."  Okay, that one is a little long, but I will come up with something.  Maybe the key is to totally separate my blog from my McQ Zoo reference, and just have it be completely unrelated.  Hmmn...now the wheels are turning in my head.  Too bad it is time for bed.  If I didn't have to go to work tomorrow I could pump out another few pages here.  But, unfortunately I do have to work...and I am sure it is only a matter of time before Jack wakes up.  So I guess that means I am signing out for the night, weekly goal established, blog theme in the works.  Now that, my friends, is progress.