The Sting of Rejection...

(The following blog post took me two nights to complete.)

I fully expected to come home and blog about how excited I am that Jack is starting preschool in the fall, that his two half-days per week there will immensely enrich his life with structure, more socialization, and education, and how truly comfortable Brett and I are with the school we have chosen b/c it is safe, nurturing and loving with a curriculum we fully support.

But the acceptance letter I so eagerly awaited and immediately opened from today's mail squashed my enthusiasm...b/c it was not an acceptance letter at all.  Instead it was a "thank you for applying" notice with a little side note that stated in the kindest way possible that Jack's lottery number did not get picked.  As fate would have it there is no availability for him in the 2-year old program for the 2011/2012 school year; he is now part of the wait list, and his wait list number is 15.  That means that 15 kids have to withdraw their admission request from that specific program in order for my child to have a chance for one coveted spot.  My heart is still sinking...

No, there was no interview, no evaluation, no baby IQ test or family background check.  There was no indicator that Jack would not fit in there or any sort of personal reference to Jack at all...except that he was just a random number...unlucky this time in that his number did not get picked. 

So why, in a completely fair and just system where all applicants get the same consideration, where everyone's number has the same potential to get drawn, where the only thing against you is the randomization that makes it fair in the first place do I feel this amplified sting of rejection?

Is it b/c I only want the best for my son and now I am torn between my belief that this IS the best vs. my typical mantra of everything happens for a reason?  Or is it b/c I failed to recognize this was even a possibility, neglecting what should have been a prioritized due diligence maneuver.  Or maybe it has more to do with my own insecurities and selfish feelings of everything is about me, and somehow it is my fault this has happened.  [End of Night 1]

[Night 2] Oh wait, I know why...b/c it has to do with MY CHILD!  Apparently once you become a parent, any and every little feeling having to do with said kid is like a feeling on steroids: blown up, irrational, aggressive, and overly intense.  It doesn't matter that this is out of my control or anyone's for that matter, but rather it only matters that MY CHILD was denied something of which he is more than deserving, and who the hell are these people to deprive MY CHILD of the best the world has to offer?

Okay, okay, so I am being a bit extreme.  Really, what it all boils down to is that it hurts when you want something FOR your child and it doesn't happen.  The let down you feel on your child's behalf is pretty deep.  It is no longer just about you, but now you have this other person, and when something doesn't happen the way it "should" for him, well, it just hurts you in your heart.

But, I am not a mother who believes life is fair.  I believe in keeping score (in team sports at least!).  You can't win all the time.  Of course if you play fair and try your best you can always have a winning spirit, but the truth is, it sucks to lose and it is okay to be bummed about it (as long as you are kind and still respectful to others).

So where does that leave me today?   Well the 1st choice preschool director gave me some hope by replying to my questions very honestly.  Turns out we may not need a full 15 kids to drop their spot b/c some of those who DID make the cut may have been accepted elsewhere, and that "elsewhere" may be their parents' first choice.  So what she is saying is we still have a chance.

The other good news is that my 2nd choice preschool has what was described to me as a "short" waiting list, and I was encouraged to apply immediately, which I did already today.  Now it is just a waiting game.  I have faith that one of these schools will come through for us.  If by the time the 1st tuition payment is due we do not have a spot at either school, I will move on to plan C...which is yet to be masterminded.

Guess I need to get on that...just in case.