I've been thinking about what I wanted to say in this post for days now. I've even started it over and over again in my head, coming up with different angles to get my point across, or exploring analogies that may somehow compare to my feelings. I've been sitting here for over an hour uninterrupted - I am home alone for once - but this is my first actual paragraph.
I'm still trying to recover from the trauma of watching my child suffer at the hand of an ER doctor who, if he had just been a bit more attentive, would have been able to spare me the need to write this post in the first place. Yes, I NEED to write this post. I MUST get these feelings out. I'm so distraught by the experience that I am unable to get my life back to a level of normal functioning. If there was ever a time for me to write, this is it. Writing is my therapy.
But what I have realized since my child came home from the hospital is that I still don't have answers. It is hard to write about something when you don't fully understand what is going on. And at the same time, I haven't accepted that I can't get those answers. I still feel like the doctors owe me something: the truth about what happened to my son. Logically I know they will never admit fault. No one is ever going to accept responsibility for the misdiagnosis and unnecessary pain they caused my innocent baby b/c somewhere along the way they were taught not to...I'm guessing for fear of being sued, but really I don't know. Maybe there is just an added arrogance or a "doctors band together" code that just won't allow it to happen. Or perhaps I'm caught in a war of ethics. People are so quick to take advantage of the legal system that doctors are forced not to apologize for their mistakes, since doing so could possibly be taken as an admission of guilt. That negates both "honesty is the best policy" and "ask and ye shall be forgiven."
And all of that just means my power to DO something about this is limited. I am not the kind of person to start a legal battle over an honest mistake. I'd rather go the route of using it as a teaching moment, an opportunity to broaden the education and experience of a medical professional whose jump-the-gun style of treatment resulted in an immeasurable amount of pain and an emergency surgery that could have been prevented. I have no desire to ruin his career or put him out of a job! I simply want him to study up on the basics of bedside manner and dealing with terrified parents in the heat of the moment! Seriously, you chose to be an ER doctor! You should realize there is going to be some fear in the event of an actual emergency! The least you can do is remain professional, and it certainly wouldn't hurt you to offer a little compassion...
To learn from mistakes we first have to evaluate the paths that lead us to make them. I KNOW that there is another way they could have assessed my son's condition to confirm that he did not have a hernia before they dosed him with narcotics and began manipulating his entire groin area to reduce non-existent bowels into an imaginary hole in his abdominal cavity. They absolutely could have used some sort of imaging technology to be certain. I've done my research, and I've seen the awful pictures of "incarcerated inguinal hernias" in children, and yes, I can acknowledge that my son's condition did significantly resemble many of those photographs, but one simple fact remains: it wasn't a hernia at all.
Still, I can understand that since inguinal hernias are so common in infant boys, it made sense to order the IV and Morphine and attempt the manipulation. What I don't get is how after the first 20 minutes of squeezing and kneading and squishing while my child screamed and writhed in pain as his father and I participated in restraining him, I, holding his arms and Daddy, his legs, the ER doctor still couldn't tell that this was not a "normal" hernia situation. Instead of thinking maybe this IS something else, he ordered more Morphine and proceeded for another 25 minutes. If he did think there was something fishy about it, he didn't express it, so I can only assume he continued in this manner b/c he still believed it to be an incarcerated inguinal hernia. Now, I've never massaged bowels, but I can imagine that poop has a distinct feel. If it ever crossed his mind that what he was manipulating did not feel like poop, he never mentioned it.
I don't really even know how to say this. I just know it to be true. There was a moment, a turning point, in that ER, where the doctor lost sight of the best interest of his patient, who coincidentally happened to be my son. It was almost as if he switched gears on a surge of adrenaline b/c no longer did it matter that the boy was in pain! It was more important to be the hero! The one who solved the problem! It became a boost to his ego, a challenge to "make it stay," this huge mass of God knows what, that the doctor was pushing into what looked like a little dent in my baby's groin. My boy was screaming, crying out, fighting us with all his might to make it stop, and it took all 3 of us to do it, but we managed to hold him down...and torture him...at the direction of this misguided physician.
When the surgeon was finally called, we were told emergency surgery was a must. We were scared, but we accepted that, feeling like the surgeon really did save the day by taking over from the horrible ER doctor of doom. But when the surgery revealed there was no hernia, even the surgeon admitted he was perplexed. He actually stated that he removed "pieces of the lymph node" that had become "friable" due to the manipulation of the area and "cleaned up the mess" inside. Still, he stood by his decision to cut, claiming that it was potentially a life-saving operation. I wanted him to say the ER doc messed up. I wanted him to tell me that it was all just an accident, a terrible mistake...but he didn't. Instead he avoided that line of our questioning and redirected us again and again to his new diagnosis of Lymphadenitis, inflammation of a lymph node, most likely due to an impending infection. We were exhausted. It was the middle of the night. We had just been shocked out of our minds. We had so many questions...the next day he was additionally diagnosed with Cellulitis, an infection of the skin, probably staph or strep, and he was treated with IV antibiotics for 5 days.
Fast forward to now we are home. I'm tearing my hair out trying to move past this and just be thankful my child is alright, but I still can't shake the feeling that more needs to happen. Last week I called our pediatrician to discuss another issue, and I decided beforehand that how she responded to the call would determine if we would continue at that practice. Something we have been concerned about for almost 2 years was overlooked by her, and it turns out it could have been the cause for the infection. When it was brought to our attention by another surgeon during his rounds, we once again experienced this whole "doctors banding together" code as he quickly defended a pediatrician he didn't even know by saying it isn't something commonly noticed. Fine, but for TWO YEARS we pointed it out to her! For TWO YEARS we asked questions, and she never even mentioned the actual medical term for the condition. It took another doctor one look to figure out and 5 seconds to correct what could have been a lifetime problem if it continued undetected! If it is true that everything happens for a reason, I believe this discovery is the reason for this entire nightmare.
The pediatrician responded I guess a little better than I expected, although her take was that she comes from a different school of thought on the issue and believes it normally corrects itself in time. She did, however, apologize for perhaps not communicating well about it and not paying enough attention to the progression of the problem. I know I should be satisfied with that, and I am by about 90%, but I just can't seem to shake that other 10% that tells me she SHOULD have recognized it sooner...b/c if she had, my son may very well have never had that infection!
And all that goes back to the idea that to learn from mistakes we first have to evaluate the paths that lead us to make them. I chose my son's pediatrician. I chose her based on how I would relate to her as a woman, as a mother. It was selfish. I should have chosen a pediatrician based on how he would relate to my son as a patient. I was looking for someone to support my decisions and not judge me, but what I should have done was choose someone who would help guide my decisions and advocate for my child with me! Ultimately I am responsible for the issue that was overlooked, that likely led to the Cellulitis infection, that manifested as Lymphadenitis, that presented like the misdiagnosed hernia, that most devastatingly inspired the brutal manipulation by the insensitive ER doc, that resulted in the friable lymph node, that in turn had to be partially removed, which added to my child's discomfort and an overall traumatic experience. I am supposed to protect him! And I failed...
At least that is how I feel. I am battling massive guilt over all of this. I know that I did my best. Logically I know none of this was my fault...but it is so hard to believe that way when no one will own up to what has happened! We still don't even understand it all! I want to know why the ER doc didn't think to check for a swollen lymph node. I want to make sense out of how my child had an operation for something that wasn't actually wrong with him. I want someone to explain to me how this all went so array! And if no one can do that, then I want someone to just step up and say sorry! We goofed. We made a mistake. It wasn't life threatening, but we realize it caused undue pain on your child and stress on your family. Once the mistake was discovered we should have done everything in our power to make this situation right, and we should have provided you with the very best care and highest level of customer service. The doctor who mistreated you will be reprimanded and educated on his mistakes, and your son's case will be used as an example of something else to consider when a hernia is assumed...
Isn't that just basic good ethics? We teach our children to tell the truth. We preach to them that "honesty is the best policy," and we encourage them to be forgiving...Right? Don't we?
ethicsplural of eth·ics (Noun)1. Moral principles that govern a person's or group's behavior.2. The moral correctness of specified conduct.
Or am I in the minority? Am I one of the few who won't sue when I burn my tongue with my hot coffee?
I have been jaded now. I don't know who to trust. I am afraid that if something else happens to my child I won't be able to trust anyone. I fear I will vacillate wildly over every decision and probably end up making the wrong ones. I'm probably overreacting already.
Its just...having a child changes everything. I would do ANYTHING to take back what my son went through, but since I can't I am even more determined to make sure NOTHING like that ever happens to him again. I'm a mess over this, and it is clearly going to take me some time to move past it. I am so grateful that he is healthy and okay. We are infinitely lucky and blessed that he recovered so well and quickly. I WANT to be able to move forward and enjoy my sweet boy and not look back with so much anger and sadness about the ordeal...especially b/c he is hopefully too young to even remember it.
I'm still debating if I want to pursue anything further with the hospital. We did file a complaint with Risk Management, and they will be conducting some sort of "peer review." I'd like to think that is enough, but I may need to write a letter too. I'm not sure yet.
In the mean time, I guess it feels better to get some of my thoughts out into cyberspace. Maybe the writing will do the trick and bump me out of this funk.
After all, I am Mommy to the most beautiful boy in the world...
For more information on Jack's story, read "What Happened to Jack" on The McQ Zoo family blog...
For more information on Jack's story, read "What Happened to Jack" on The McQ Zoo family blog...
