July 10, 2013
Dear Jack,
Lately it seems all we do is fight. You have become a master at pushing my buttons. I try to stay calm, but you push and you push and you push, and often I cave to the frustration. I yell at you. I scold you. I punish you. Sometimes I resort to spanking you. I refuse to read your bedtime stories or I deny you a TV show. I threaten to cancel a play date, and I've even made up fun plans we weren't actually going to do just so I could take them away. And while you sit in time out and cry on the stairs or scream at the top of your lungs from your room, my heart is breaking, and I'm screaming on the inside too.
I love to read you stories at bedtime. My favorite part is when you have memorized a book so well that you read it to me using the same voices or intonation that Daddy or I have used when reading it to you. I love that you want to read lots of stories, and even though it can take forever, I find myself enjoying that time with you so much that I keep giving into your requests for just one more...
I hate to take that away from you...but even worse, I hate to take that away from me.
I really understand the whole "this hurts me more than it hurts you" concept of parenting. We can be having the loveliest day together, and then like a switch was flipped, you turn into a little monster. I'm not even exaggerating. One time you got mad at me for refusing to buy you a HUGE container of gummy bears at the grocery store, even though I told you we had some already that you could have when we got home, so you threw the container into the cart so hard that it broke and the gummy bears went flying everywhere. In the past year going to Target has been like playing Russian Roulette with our day b/c if you don't leave with a toy, there is a likely chance you will fly off the handle and have a complete and total meltdown; therefore, we try to avoid taking you there at all costs. And then just the other night you punched me in the stomach b/c I said we were not going to watch one of your shows during dinner. I sent you to bed without dinner, which turned into about 4 hours of war. That was a tough night for all of us. Sometimes when you behave so poorly, Mommy and Daddy have a hard time interacting well with each other b/c we are both so frazzled, and so we end up arguing too. Of course all of your blood curdling screams kept your poor little sister awake, and we all know her cry is the WORST...add it all up and The McQ Zoo was not the fun, happy family we like to think we are most of the time.
I feel very guilty about going back to work. I am a hard-working, dedicated employee too, so even though I wish I didn't have to work, I do a very good job and I'm not a slacker. That part of who I am just intensifies my guilt b/c I am often torn between something I need to get done for work and something I'd rather do with you. Often work wins b/c it pays the bills. Then I feel bad b/c I parked you in front of the TV for too long, or I let you have fruities for breakfast, or I didn't make you brush your teeth...all so I could take advantage of a few minutes to finish something up or send an email or make an important phone call.
And while I took advantage of those few minutes, you took advantage of me. You whined for 2 more packs of fruities and I caved so you would stop whining. You asked for 2 more shows, and I caved b/c I needed a bit more time. Then when I finally get up from my computer, I find you have mixed your fruities into your apple juice and purposely poured half of it onto the floor...or some similar sort of "Mommy, look what I did" act. So now instead of being free to play with you, I have to clean up the mess and decide on a consequence, which sucks even more b/c ultimately I know it is my fault that it happened in the first place since I gave you the opportunity by not watching you closely enough while I worked.
I worry that I am failing you. I worry that our fighting will drive a wedge between us too deep from which to recover, and sometimes I am afraid that you won't love me as much as you love Daddy or GRandi or Grandma b/c I so often have to "teach you a lesson." I cry sometimes, mostly at night in bed, thinking about how different our year with you as a 3-year old has been from our year when you were just 2. Suddenly you are fresh, talking back and having an attitude, sassing me, and again, pushing my buttons over and over. Your tantrums are spontaneously ignited with no rhyme or reason other than the basic you don't get your way accelerant. No longer are you my sweet little baby, but rather you have become a feisty, testy little boy.
But your heart is still gold, and I know that. I know who you REALLY are, Jack. I know logically that you will always love me no matter how much we fight, but I thought I had at least until you were a teenager to feel this much heartache in our relationship. And I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT! If you don't notice anything else in this letter, read and comprehend that, my son. None of these fights make me love you less. And although I yearn for the sweet little baby boy who would never even think to hit me, I wouldn't turn back time to change the amazing little big boy you have become. These are the growing pains of parenting.
Honey, one of the hardest parts of being a mom is the constant battle between wanting to make you happy and wanting to keep you safe and healthy. I can't make you happy all the time. You just can't always have your way. Sometimes I have to make decisions that you don't like. I have to protect you, and that extends beyond just holding your hand in the parking lot, although that is one of my biggest rules. It means I have to feed you good food, make sure you get enough rest, show you how to behave in social situations, how to be respectful and kind. I have to educate you and ultimately raise you to be a grown up, a man, a contributing member of society, and I have to teach you about God. A lot of this stuff is easy for me b/c I already am a grown up, and I know logically what to do, but then again, so much of it is harder than I ever imagined, and some of it, like God, I don't really know how to explain. I want you to appreciate everything I do for you, but I know you are too young to really understand what that means. I know it, but it doesn't make these trying times hurt any less.
And then I am torn again when I hear a tragic story about a family who has a sick child, or worse, a family who is mourning the loss of their child, and all I want to do is snuggle up to you in your bed, kiss you a million times, take you for ice cream every day, buy you every single toy you ask for, give in to whatever your little heart desires b/c I should be grateful that I am lucky enough to have the opportunity to do so if I want to b/c you are here and you are healthy. I think back to when you were in the hospital for that surgery you never should have had; that was a horrific experience for me to see you in so much pain, but you were so brave, and I know I was your hero then. Am I still your hero now? I hope so...
You are almost 4 now. The time is flying by and I cannot stop it. You keep growing and learning and getting bigger and smarter, and I know a lot of that is just natural and out of my control, but so much of it is how Daddy and I parent you. When you behave in ways we don't like it can be a hard lesson on us b/c it is often a reflection of ourselves. Sometimes it hurts to accept responsibility for your behavior; I hate when I realize something you have done wrong is my own fault. But then sometimes I feel defeated at the end of the day when I know I did everything I could do and yet you still behaved terribly. It is a true challenge just to have faith in myself as a parent, and even though I do believe overall I'm doing a pretty good job raising you, there are definitely days I doubt myself.
Jack, I am so incredibly proud of you. Not a moment goes by that I am not totally and completely in love with you and thrilled to be your Mommy. I feel sad that so much of our recent time together has been spent in conflict. Our battles are so unnecessary, or maybe they are exactly the opposite, and totally necessary to help us both grow to be better people. I honestly don't know. I know that I pray God will guide us through these challenges and bring us out on the other side, both of us stronger and our bond deeper b/c we got through it...but then again, I am not naive to the fact that with each new phase of life comes a new something to get through.
One thing I can tell you without a doubt is that you are extraordinary. You are a dynamite stick of energy and you already encompass the phrase "go big or go home" in all that you do! You never give up, and even the magnitude of your tantrums impresses me b/c I see your perseverance. I see it in how you taught yourself to swim again and how you learned to ride your bike. I see it in your love of sports and in your karate! You are brave and tough, but your greatest strength is your heart. Despite our spats, I know that a kind-spirited, loving, bright and sensitive soul lives inside of you, and even on your worst behavior days, I can see the light in your eyes and know you.
And Jack, I already forgive you for whatever is to come. And I hope one day, you will forgive me too.
You are my favorite boy in the whole world. I love you a million 250 80 zillion 3 hundred 'o six...and then some.
Love, Mommy
