The Buck Stops Here

Once again, I find myself extremely disturbed by something I saw today on Facebook. Social media, I love you and I hate you.  I realize it is not FB's fault that people do disgusting and horribly inappropriate things, but I'm shocked that a number of people who post these things are basically decent, normal, hard-working, family oriented people, and many of them are MY friends!?!? So why are they perpetuating the madness by "sharing" and "liking" horrific photos and videos?  Sharing something completely inappropriate is just ensuring it lives on, whether it be in the minds of those who see it or in the lives of those affected when it was originally happening.  

I need you to use your noggins here, folks.  I'm not talking about the funny Moms at Target videos, or the memes about needing wine to get through bedtime routines, or even the dry political comics about politicians caught in scandalous acts.  I do not care about the Steve Harvey and Miss Universe jokes (although I do feel sorry for him b/c I believe it WAS an honest mistake) or adult celebrities critiqued for their fashion sense on the red carpet.  I am not bothered in the slightest by a single cheesy "Keep Calm and Carry On" spoof.  

What I AM concerned about are videos or images of CHILDREN with sexual or degrading references.  I'll start with this example: I saw a video tonight of at least 20 young children ranging in age from maybe 2 to 12, each paired up, with a boy "dry humping" a girl "doggy style." The video focused in on maybe a 2 or 3YO boy with a 5 or 6YO girl and several children doing the same thing all around them.  In the background, there are adults present. This is child pornography, people. This video is sexually exploiting children, regardless of the fact that they have their clothes on. I'm sure many of my friends have seen it. Sadly, many of my social media "friends" have shared, commented on or even "liked" this viral video.  I'm so confused as to why we allow this to continue.

If someone posts a video or picture they created of young children acting out or posing in sexually explicit situations or while making sexual references, that person may be regarded as a "pedofile" and "pervert" receiving comments that call them out for just that. BUT...if someone SHARES that video with a post about how wrong or how terrible it is for those children, THAT person is somehow regarded as being more morally sound than the first one by expressing disapproval of the inappropriate content. I get it. The good guy wants to point out the bad guy. But doing so on a mostly public forum only perpetuates the problem by allowing more and more random people access to see those poor CHILDREN!  If you are really so disgusted, report it as inappropriate content on Facebook, or send it to the police for investigation, or contact an organization that advocates for children, or just discuss with your spouse how you will talk to your own kids about sex and violence and think about how you can keep them safe.  If you want your BFF to see it so you can both be horrified together, then share it privately, but don't tag them and post it on their Timeline for the world to see!  Yes, yes, I know.  Freedom of speech, expression, blah blah...but you don't have to show the actual video to sound off on your soapbox.  (This is my soapbox, see?)

There's more...   

I once saw a viral video of a young boy, maybe 8 to 10 years old in the backseat of a car, being taken to a counselor/psychologist against his will. The mother was driving, and it appeared and sounded like an older brother was taking the video from the front passenger seat and laughing.  The mother even questioned if the video was going on YouTube.  The little boy was screaming and yelling and flipping all around in his seat.  He was completely freaking out. His mother was calm, but she was firmly telling him he was grounded and combating his resistance with comments that may be considered patronizing and/or "adding fuel to the fire."  The little boy appeared desperate, highly distressed, ashamed, scared, angry, out of control, sad, lost, and certainly embarrassed. While this may not seem like it is inappropriate content b/c it is not sexual or graphic or containing obscenities, it is still capturing a CHILD in a most vulnerable circumstance in the middle of a highly sensitive situation and with little or no compassion or empathy for what anyone in the car may be going through in real life.  The comments on this video were horribly cruel.  Some people blamed the mother for the child's behavior saying this is how kids will turn out if spoiled or not disciplined. Others said what they would do to the boy if he were their child, like "beat his ass" or "put him down." Still, more people made comments directed at the little boy about how crazy, insane, screwed up, stupid, and "retarded" he was.  I even saw a comment suggesting his mother should have aborted him. My heart broke watching this video. My heart broke at the fact that this video exists. You see, I was that little boy once. When I was a kid, my mother once tricked me into getting into the car to take me to a counselor that I was determined not to see. I'll spare you the details of why I needed to go there in the first place, but let's just say, it wasn't b/c I was spoiled or crazy or retarded, and my big sister sat in the back and tried to comfort me kindly and keep the doors locked as I lost my ever-loving mind and even tried to hold my breath and pass out so I wouldn't have to go.  If you know me, you probably think I turned out alright, and if you don't know me and you are reading this, you will have to just take my word for it...or not...it doesn't matter.  The point is this: I cannot even imagine how I would have felt if my sister had filmed me in that most private family matter and showed it to all of her friends, who showed all their friends, who showed all my friends, who showed all their parents, who showed their kids' teachers, who showed their kids, who showed the baseball team, who showed...everyone.  It pains me to think about how that child will feel when he sees the video posted publicly, or when he reads those damaging comments.  He may have already been depressed or suicidal or even homicidal! The work he may have done in therapy could begin to unravel and the circumstances that put him there in the first place could destroy him further. All b/c of a video that was shared over 1.7 Million times. Childhood is hard and kids are mean enough already; why the hell are grown ups liking, sharing and commenting on that video too???  This particular video originated from a sight that exploits "shocking fights."  Really?  That leads me to my next point.  

I also feel very strongly against posting/sharing/liking cell phone videos of fights or violence. Come on, people. Please. Why give them more air time than they are worth?  If you are not posting in an effort to help the victim find his attacker, watching it and commenting about what an ass-beating it was won't help stop the violence in our world.  It only serves to promote violence as a form of entertainment.  Do we really not have enough to do that we have to Google "shocking fights" to be entertained???  (For another quick post related to this particular topic, click here.)

Moving on...

I have always felt bad for the unknowing person in line in front of you at the post office who bends over to pick up a package while you snap a quick photo of their butt crack. These people are VICTIMS...and this is just plain mean and hurtful to do. Think about it. How would you feel if you came across a pic YOU DIDN'T KNOW EXISTED that was being viewed and insulted by millions of strangers?  Not embarrassed by your butt crack?  Ok, sure, we all have butts, and even I can see the humor in some silly plumber jokes. But what about this? How would you feel if you came across a picture of yourself with a tampon leaking or a diarrhea stain on your pants or completely hung over and half your clothes off? That happens ALL THE TIME. Teenagers snap pics of their drunk and passed out friends, naked or swimming in their own vomit, and they share them and post them and next thing ya know they end up on some "20 most shocking drunk teens" slideshow. Maybe not, but do you think a teen can EVER recover socially after something like that? Especially if they were already in trouble and heading towards addiction? In order to convince our children not to post those things, we have to stop sharing and liking and prolonging those posts in the first place. Most kids who do crazy stuff in their teens or in college outgrow it at some point, and they don't need video or photo documentation of their most embarrassing moments from their youth.

These days we often see and hear about people paying it forward, like buying Starbucks for the car behind you in the drive-thru, paying for someone's meal anonymously, bringing groceries to a family in need, or leaving the big tip for the struggling waitress. While these are all random acts of kindness that we can measure and understand as valuable, they leave physical evidence of their occurrence, but most people don't do these things to be recognized! They do it from the kindness in their hearts with the hopes they can provide a sense of self worth to the recipient, reminding them that someone truly cares about them in this world. If you believe in doing something nice for someone and not needing anything in return or recognition, then please apply that same idea to social media posts of some of the things I've mentioned in this blog. By not publicly sharing/liking/commenting on a less than classy video or picture of someone, or even more importantly, something with a child that is inappropriate or disturbing, you are declaring "the buck stops here!" I believe you would be performing a most valuable random act of kindness, truly a good deed, by putting out the fire before it spreads even further. Take responsibility for your social media footprint. No physical evidence needed. In fact, the less people it reaches, the better! Social media has so many amazing benefits...from marketing to keeping in touch with family to job hunting and recipe sharing...but ruining people's lives is not one of them. You don't have to solve the world's problems to be part of the solution. Just be kind and helpful and do unto others as you would have done to you...even on Facebook.  

Apples and Trees, Apples and Trees

The Calm Before the Storm that Erupted
Tonight that Inspired this Post

My last post was back in January, and ironically, it was "I Will Love Your Highlight Reel," with the theme of being genuinely happy for vs. resentful towards those we love when they share the joy in their own lives.  Well, today's post is a little different. My own personal highlight reel has hit a scratch in the film, and I. Just. Can't. Stay in the joy.  Most of my everyday posts on Social Media are happy-go-lucky rainbows and butterflies, mostly about my adorable children and our active, fun, loving family. But let's just be real.  Life is full of ups and downs, each day is full of ups and downs. Heck, sometimes a single moment is packed full of both ups and downs! I'm not hiding the downs from anyone; I'm just usually not taking pictures or thinking about my next Facebook post in the middle of TANTRUM HELL.  

Lucky Boy at White Water Last Week

Oh, is that what it's called, you ask? YES. Tantrum Hell is a real place. I know b/c I live there...but sometimes I get a temporary leave of absence from Tantrum Hell, and I get to hang out with these precious little people with the sweetest hearts and brightest smiles and the most adorable little laughs. And yes, these creatures can be so misleading with their manners and hugs and agreeable natures, but in those sunny, happy, blissful days, I forget about their screaming and fighting and whining and crying and disrespectful attitudes, and I start doing stuff I later regret...like buying them Slushies, taking them to movies, trips to Target, going to White Water, letting them stay up late or even sleep in my bed! Next thing ya know, they are evil again, and I am back in Tantrum Hell with 2 little devils.  

Yeah, I feel bad that I am referring to my beautiful angel blessings as "little devils," but don't judge too harshly.  I'm just using metaphors and imagery to get my point across.  I love my kids more and more with each passing hour, and my heart, although constantly broken, is full and thankful for them just the way they are.  But I am flawed, I tell ya!  I'm not perfect, and I don't plan on being perfect any time soon.  I'm not even aiming for perfect.  I'm shooting for survival!  To live another day!  To go to bed and wake up again all in one piece!  

I have a lot of self doubts.  I'll spare you the details of my emotional history, but let's just say, I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY wanna be a good mom.  And to be fair to myself, I think in general I AM a good mom.  But I want to be exceptional.  I want my kids to think I am the best and MEAN IT. I want my husband to look at me in awe of all I can accomplish day in and day out, while still providing him with clean underwear and a home-cooked meal every night.  Umm, what's so funny? Oh yeah, that's right.  HE is the cook in our family, and his clean underwear are lost somewhere in the deep dark abyss that is "Laundry Mountain."

Ahem...I can promise you that Laundry Mountain is all clean, and I am great at ordering pizza online or hitting the Chik-Fil-A drive through, and I make THE best PB&J (#truth), but good parenting isn't defined by well-fed kids who smell like Bounce.  I'm just doing the best I can, and I bet you are too, and I think you're doing a great job, whoever you are, and I hope you think I'm doing a great job too b/c I need your support, and you need my support, and we can support each other and hug and cry and write loving comments on each other's status updates and...wait, where am I going with this?

Oh yeah, back to Tantrum Hell.  It can feel so lonely here.  I keep searching for a way out, but feeding the animals only makes them beg for more, and scolding just them makes them bite harder and bark louder.  I have days where I feel like no matter what I do, no one can see how hard I am trying, how much sweat goes into co-existing or how deflated I am when it is all over.  The hubs is a great man, but he too, is flawed, and ultimately, he is down here with me screaming "Earmuffs!" and rocking back and forth in the fetal position. Neither of us has control of the monsters who live among us.

Posing w/ "Baby Mike" & "Baby Mike-Dora"
When She Came to My Office
(When asked how she got those names she said,
"I found them from my internet!")

A few weeks ago I took my kids to work with me on a Friday.  It was Grandma's day to keep them, but she was out of town, and I didn't have a sitter lined up while she was gone. The day started out nicely. The kids looked cute and packed some toys and settled into the office with paper and highlighters supplied by my very kid-friendly boss, who happens to share her office with me. Jack had his iTouch, and he kept himself mostly entertained with that while Lander wandered around and played with her baby dolls.  But then it happened. The iTouch battery died. That was the beginning of the end. Without the iTouch, Jack became increasingly bored, and with his boredom came whining, and whining was distraction from my work, which made me nervous and stressed out b/c Lander was being so good, and I knew she could only handle so much before her own crazy switch flipped on, and then what would I do?!?! Boss lady to the rescue!  She started playing some music videos for the kids, and they love music and she even took their requests.  One such request was for a song that is not always kid appropriate, so I asked her to find the G-rated version of it.  Oh. Em. Gee.  You would have thought I had just asked her to pull his nose hairs out one by one with tweezers by the way he freaked when she switched to the audio-only "clean" version of Iggy Azalea's "Fancy!" This raging lunatic was flailing about in our crowded little quarters and even ducked himself under my desk to cry it out while I, humiliated beyond belief, tried desperately to keep my voice at a non-yelling volume as I told him all the consequences in his future if he didn't stop being insane.  Boss lady left about a half hour later, and the incident, combined with 6 potty breaks, multiple snack requests, and a super heavy workload, made my time there more extensive, turning an intended 2 hours into a LONG 5 or 6.  Back to Tantrum Hell.  

This is the 2nd time the iTouch has been taken away for an indefinite long-term amount of time.  I had hoped Jack's behavior would be good enough over the summer with all the extra down time to relax and just play that he wouldn't lose his cool so easily, but he is his mother's (and father's!) child, and the apple doesn't fall far from the trees.  He is cursed with an emotionally charged personality, and I know we will spend his entire childhood, teen years and early 20s trying to help him temper that and seeking ways to channel his negative energy into positive activities and interests.  That's why we feel like baseball and BMX and physical activities are good for him, and not things to take away or barter as consequences.  The iTouch is a privilege that requires maturity and responsibility, and if he isn't behaving maturely or responsibly, then he loses access to that privilege.  Seems like a simple action/consequence method, but no, there are so many layers woven into every parental decision. The article that says you should never yell at your kids, the open letters to all the moms in Target, the guilt of working all day and not being fully present when with the kids, the wrong advice from well-meaning or over-judging friends, the I-want-us-all-to-get-a-full-night-of-sleep-so-let's-all-sleep-together plans, we've-had-pizza-or-spaghettios-5-nights-this-week, using TV for a babysitter while working from home, "Mommy, put your phone down!" "Daddy, play with me!" the sudden high fever, the over-abundance of poop, the "you're already enough" posts, the confusion and psychosis of PMS, the bills, the bills, the BILLS, and then "you're the best mommy in the world and I love you!" How can someone process that much with each parenting decision and be expected to make the right choice every time?  I don't think we can.  I know I can't.  I'm constantly fighting off my own internal tantrum, and sometimes it makes its way out anyway, and I scream at the kids or put them in timeout just so I can have a break from them, or spank them when I really didn't want to resort to that, but I felt like NOTHING ELSE was working.   

The McQ Zoo on My Birthday - 6/30/15

I'm pretty sure I created Tantrum Hell. The rest of The McQ Zoo is only there b/c they want to be close to me.  It is in my own head, my own demons, my own stress, my own unrealistic expectations of myself, and I must be projecting all of that onto my kids and the hubs.  

I need to relive my highlight reel.  I need to study it, find out what those moments are made up of, try to focus on the common denominators and take a permanent leave of absence from Tantrum Hell.  

I'm gonna go kiss those little devils goodnight now and thank the Good Lord that they are mine.     

  

I Will Love Your Highlight Reel

If we are really friends, I want you to be happy.  I am interested in your life.  I enjoy your joy.  I am sad at your pain, and I am sorry if I hurt you.  If we are really friends, I can tell you when I'm jealous of something in your life...b/c that jealousy is honest and raw and not meant to make you feel bad, but rather to make you see how special that something in your life really is, so much in fact, that I, your friend, would want it too. If we are really friends, you can tell me when you don't like your kids and I won't think you're a terrible parent, but instead I will relate to you and feel less alone in my own parenting struggles.  If we are really friends, we will have inside jokes that are just between us.  If we are really friends, I will like and comment on your Facebook and Instagram posts b/c I truly love following you, whether we hang out all the time or never at all.

If we are really friends, I will love your highlight reel.

Let's be honest here.  Many of us have lots of "friends" on social media who are really just acquaintances from our past.  Sure, we are friendly with each other.  We genuinely care about one another.  We may even reach out beyond our regular circle to have lunch and catch up with some of these people.  We may even be touched or affected by a random someone's "like" or comment on our post.

But, mostly when we post, or at least when I post, it is intended for those who are closest to us. When I post a picture, video or status update on Facebook, it is b/c I want my closest friends, family and extended family to know what is going on in my life, and posting on Social Media is an easy way to kill multiple birds with one stone.  If I take my kids on an awesome adventure, I am going to post about it b/c I want to share that fun with the people who love us.  When I post about a challenge or struggle, it is b/c I believe people who care about me will be able to relate or offer some advice, grace, acceptance, compassion, etc.  I don't expect all of my random acquaintances to notice everything I post, be it my highlight reel or not.

I know Taylor Swift says to "shake it off," but I'm tired of the haters.  Seriously people.  I see/hear so many complaints that Facebook is everyone's highlight reel.  Well, so what? With all that is negative in the world, why can't we find joy in other people's happiness? Probably the thing I hear the most about is when people post pictures from an amazing vacation.  They must be so lucky to have all that time off!  That sure is an expensive trip! Must be nice to able to wear that bathing suit.  The list goes on.

If we really are friends, I want you to go on amazing vacations.  I want you to have time off to spend with your loved ones doing what makes you happy.  I want you to be financially comfortable.  I want you to strut your stuff if you want to.  And if we really are friends, I want to know all about it b/c I'm interested in your life.  I love to see you happy.  I enjoy your joy.

And who decided you have to air out all your dirty laundry online???  Nobody has to share anything they don't want the whole world to know.  Once it is out there in Cyberspace, you can't take it back. There is no rule that says we have to balance all our joyful posts with depressing ones!  If you need a lift from some people who love you and you want a one-stop-shop for support, then social media is a great resource for that.  Lots of love right to your Notifications and News Feed.  If you are dealing with a more private situation and prefer to seek your support the old fashioned way or just from a select few, you can pick up your phone and use it as an actual phone, or you can edit your privacy settings or post to a specific group.

My point is this: I would love it if more people would enjoy each other's highlight reels on Social Media. If you really are friends, be happy for each other's joy.  And if you are just random acquaintances, then be grateful for some positive in this oh so negative world.  You don't have to be insecure about yourself just b/c someone else isn't broadcasting all their behind-the-scenes drama. You never know what someone else's journey entails...

End of rant.