"A Full and Thankful Heart"

Recently I attended an AA meeting to celebrate a loved one's 20th year of sobriety. The meeting was much different than I expected. Most of the people there were older than I had imagined, and very few of them actually looked like my mental vision of an alcoholic. There were men and women of all walks of life, most of them upper middle aged with lines of wisdom in their faces and flashes of pain in their eyes. White, black, even a 79 year old Asian woman – this disease does not discriminate, and together they gathered to support each other along the 12 step journey to one common goal of sobriety through a relationship with God. It was, rather it IS, a safe place. There are no judgments here, for who are they to judge?

Near the entrance of the meeting room was a "Birthday Table" with cake and coffee and snacks along with 2 gift bags, each adorned with a numbered balloon for the Sobriety anniversary being celebrated, one with 20, and the other with 6. At the front of the room was a large table made of smaller tables pushed together, where 20 or so people sat, seeming to be the more "regular" crowd. Above the table was a sign hanging on the wall posting "The 12 Steps" and another one listing something like the guiding principles of AA. I was too far away to fully read it, but I did make out the reference to a relationship with God "as we understand Him" in more than one step.  This gave me comfort, knowing that any interpretation of God or spiritual connection to Him was considered a viable foundation from which to build a sober life, and it became clear to me how this room was filled with such a diverse group of people.

Rows of chairs were lined up behind the table, and in each chair was a small book. I sat with my family in the first row, and quickly the rest of the seats were filled. A grey-bearded man wearing a maroon sweatshirt and an appropriately sleepy look (for a 7:30AM meeting) made some announcements and explained how the meeting would run. Everyone seated at the table would get to “share,” and then at a certain time the floor would open to those seated elsewhere, at which point anyone who wanted to share could raise a hand and be called upon to do so. It wasn't until the end of the meeting that I understood why some people rushed in to claim their seat at the table; it was the most likely way to be heard during the official meeting.

They began with a reading from page 37 of the small book, As Bill Sees It, asking my loved one to read it aloud to the group:

A Full and Thankful Heart

One exercise that I practice is to try for a full inventory of my blessings and then for a right acceptance of the many gifts that are mine - both temporal and spiritual. Here I try to achieve a state of joyful gratitude. When such a brand of gratitude is repeatedly affirmed and pondered, it can finally displace the natural tendency to congratulate myself on whatever progress I may have been enabled to make in some areas of living.

I try hard to hold fast to the truth that a full and thankful heart cannot entertain great conceits. When brimming with gratitude, one's heartbeat must surely result in outgoing love, the finest emotion that we can ever know.

Grapevine, March 1962

And with that the sharing began, starting clockwise around the table. Most people congratulated the "birthday boys" and said a snippet of how one or the other had inspired them, encouraged them, listened to them in crisis, and in some cases, even been their sponsor.  Some also discussed their interpretation of the day’s reading and how their own experience related to it. There was a lot of expressed emotion, but I was surprised that no one was crying. I always imagined a room full of people crying to each other and sharing sob stories about their rock bottom moments, but maybe that doesn’t happen in all meetings, at least not celebratory ones. As I was listening, I found myself getting choked up and proud of my loved one’s effect on the lives of so many people. I glanced around to see the faces of others, thinking to myself that if anyone was in crisis right this minute, I couldn’t tell. I felt a little uneasy too, wondering if anyone there thought I was an alcoholic, and then I felt ashamed for caring. It wasn’t so much that I thought myself better than any of them, but I didn’t want to be seen in the same stereotypical light in which I had seen them prior to coming.

There were a few speakers who hit close to home, sharing their interpretation of “A Full and Thankful Heart” in such a way that applied to my own life experiences, even without being an alcoholic. The basic meaning of the reading is that by surrendering to God, it is through Him that one is able to live a positive life, expressing gratitude for one’s blessings instead of stroking one’s own ego for daily accomplishments. Many of the speakers admitted they were self-centered, and that much of their addiction was about selfishness, that in finding a relationship with God they have also found gratitude instead of self-pity.  This same concept applies without being an addict.  How often I've said "poor me" and chosen a path of self-destruction over gratitude for the blessings I've been given.  And I have certainly been known to pat myself on the back rather than thank God for giving me the tools I needed to succeed. 

I'm not saying we can't be proud of ourselves for what we accomplish in life or what we bring to the table - most of us work hard for those things - but I can certainly understand how occasionally a nice way to check our egos is to acknowledge the gifts we've been given, including the spiritual guidance and the support of those around us, and just be thankful.  Even more deeply, and as a mother, I personally agree that "brimming with gratitude" my "heartbeat" does "surely result in outgoing love," most intensely for my child, and THAT is undoubtedly "the finest emotion" I have ever known. 

I don't claim to be fully aware of the principles of AA.  I did not do any research before writing this piece, other than looking up how book titles should be punctuated.  I certainly did not retain every word from the posted "12 Steps" sign.  I am simply writing this from my gut, documenting how attending this AA meeting made me feel, what sort of personal realizations I had during my experience there.  Being in the presence of so many people who have struggled with addiction, many who continue to struggle every day, made me thankful that I do not have the disease of Alcoholism.  It made me thankful that my loved one has been committed to such an amazing program for 20+ years now.  It made me proud of my mother and step-father for their careers in behavioral healthcare, and it reminded me to take a "full inventory of my blessings."

But perhaps the most touching speaker was speaking directly to me, without even knowing it, (through God of course), describing my circumstances almost exactly, and putting words to the thoughts I've been trying to express through my writing and every day approach to living.  I wish I could remember verbatim what he said, but I'll have to summarize instead.  He said that throughout his life he has wanted lots of things, many of them just material; specifically he mentioned a Land Rover with a great sound system as an example, and this was somewhat comical, but also very honest.  He said he had been angry for not receiving the things he wanted.  He said that he had been selfish and full of self pity (now I am not saying this is the part that describes my life, but I'm getting there, so just bear with me), that drinking had been part of his pattern of feeling sorry for himself.  He then went on to say that now, through his relationship with God, he is able to look back on those times and know that it was a blessing in disguise that he did not have those things b/c at the time he wanted them, he probably could not have handled them.  It made him realize that throughout his life, he has always had exactly what he needed to live in each moment.  That's it.  Right there.  That is the purest, truest, most perfectly fitting description for what I have wanted to express myself in regards to my own life experience.

I could apply this concept, that I have had exactly what I needed to live in each moment, to the last 3+ years of my life, and most of those who know me would believe I was referring to the hard times my family has endured in this bad economy, that despite the challenges we've faced I have remained relatively optimistic, tried to live my life joyfully, thankful for my blessings, and not dwelling on the misfortune, but rather looking on the bright side.  I can honestly say all of that is true.  I really do believe that God has given my family exactly what we needed to live in each moment so that we were never truly without the basic necessities and much more for that matter.  I know deep within my heart that even in my darkest hours of fear and worry God was there with me, looking out for me, encouraging me to seek His guidance, and providing for my family day in and day out.

Oh, but it gets even deeper.  The speaker said that it was a blessing that he did not receive many of the things he wanted in the dark times in his life b/c he would not have been able to handle those things.  An obvious example for how this relates to my own present life is my desire to have a house, but let's face it - if we had a house we would not have been able to afford it for the last 3 years, and we may have been one of the unlucky millions to lose their homes as opposed to one of the few who successfully closed on an official loan modification program, and without ever missing a payment at that!  Thank GOD we did not have a house to add to our financial responsibility!  Thank GOD we were able to secure lower payments for our condo, and thank GOD we never had to sacrifice our own moral standards by defaulting on any of our bills!

But that is not the depth to which I was referring above.

I'm going back further in my past now.  Not 3 years or even 7 years, but more like 12 years, 15 years.  I realize I am making myself sound really old when in fact I am not even 32, but 15 years ago I was in high school.  I was dating guys my mother wanted to kill, and each relationship was as toxic as the alcohol that spawns addiction.  I was in the midst of full-blown teenage angst; I was angry at my family.  I blamed them and everyone else for my downfalls.  I made a lot of poor decisions, but I swore I knew what I was doing.  I was smart, I was educated, I was far from stupid, but still, I made a lot of bad calls.  Even then I knew I wanted to get married.  I knew I wanted to be a mom.  I have always wanted that.  I have never yearned for anything as much as I have yearned for a child.  That craving, that instinctual gut desire has never ceased to exist inside my heart.

Oh, but thank GOD I did not marry one of those crazies!  Thank GOD I did not get pregnant before I was actually mature enough to be a mother (even now my maturity is still often in question!).  Thank GOD I was not given a child to be born into a lifestyle of turmoil and a lack of stability.  How true that I would not have been able to handle motherhood or marriage back then.  I could barely handle me.

I may not have had all the things I wanted, but God still provided for me; He gave me exactly what I needed to live in each moment back then, even though I didn't know Him yet.  I knew OF Him, but I did not know Him in my heart.  I did not feel His presence in my life.  But He was there.

I can't remember the exact moment when my life changed.  I know that it has been and still is a work in progress.  I know that there was a day when my sister encouraged me to pray for what I want in life, without feeling guilty about it; I have a natural tendency to feel bad for asking for things when logically I know my own life is so much less tragic than many in this world, with poverty and war and starvation and sickness, and I found myself just not praying at all, justifying that someone else's prayers were more important.  My sister softly suggested that I pray anyway, and just see what happens.  She already knew the power of prayer.  She is pretty freaking awesome.

When I started praying I figured out pretty quickly that I wasn't sure what I should pray for.  Of course I could pray for a new car or more money, but I knew these things wouldn't make me feel better.  Money and material things would not heal my heart.  I then had a conversation with my step-dad, and he told me that one of the things he prays for is a sense of humor.  So I added that to my prayer, and believe it or not, I started to feel better.  I knew it was working.  I knew God was working in my life.  It was through the advice of those two loved ones that I established my own prayer asking God for "continued guidance" on my life's journey to a "personal place of peace."  To this day I find comfort in those words as I say them to God in my prayers.

My relationship with God was founded not much differently than that of the man whose words touched me so deeply at the AA meeting.  He was in a bad place in his life, and he sought comfort in a relationship with God through the support of a group of people who are now like a family to him.  I was in a bad place and sought comfort in a relationship with God through the support of my family.  Both of us, even in our different life paths, were missing an element of inner peace all b/c we did not know God as the guiding force in our lives.  We were both unable to fully realize our blessings and the gifts that were ours.  We both lived our lives selfishly instead of full of gratitude, and I am certain we both had relationships that suffered b/c of it.  Without a full and thankful heart we both were unable to truly know that feeling of outgoing love.

I've been working on this post for a week now.  I knew the moment I heard this man speak that I wanted to write about it.  I introduced myself to him after the meeting to tell him how his words touched me; I used the example of the economy over the last 3 years for having exactly what I needed to live in each moment b/c that immediately, it was the only example I'd had time to reflect upon, and of course it is currently the most relevant.  In the week I've been piecing this together a lot has transpired in my mind, some of it due to struggles I know some of my friends are facing, but mostly b/c that is just how I write.

I'm not sure if or when I'll be going to another AA meeting, but I am very thankful for my experience at this one.  It was eye-opening in so many ways.  I have a different sort of mental image now of an alcoholic, knowing that it could be anyone really, and I have a stronger compassion and respect for those who seek help through a relationship with God and the support of AA.  I believe I do have "A Full and Thankful Heart," and that from time to time I just need to remind myself to say an extra prayer of gratitude, just to make sure I get my point across to the "Big Guy." 

Hmmn...you don't think He'd be mad knowing I called Him that, do ya? 

Nah!  He has a sense of humor too!