Motherhood Does Not Bond All Mothers - A Lesson Relearned

I learned a lot in 2010, mostly about being a mom, and what kind of Mom I want to be, but looking back at my 2010 Reflection piece, I feel like there is one lesson that I left out.  Sometimes it takes a similar occurrence or familiar feeling to remind me of a lesson I have already encountered, and here it is, already March 2011, and I can safely say that the learning hasn't stopped, but rather it is repeating itself...again.

A few days ago I had sort of a "run-in" with someone who is directly connected to my life, but with whom I do not really have a friendship.  Of course I am being vague in general b/c it is not so much about the specific issues between myself and this particular person as it is about what I gained from this recent experience as a whole.  I finally have closure.  At least "closure" is what I am calling it anyway.

Over the last year I reached out to this person several times in an attempt to be closer, primarily b/c of our mutual connections, but I never really felt my efforts were reciprocated, at least not with equal emotion or warmth.  In our most recent communication however, I have just discovered that my outreach attempts were unwanted, unsolicited and viewed as antagonistic instead of as genuinely friendly.  I certainly did not intend for my actions to come across that way, but looking back, I can sort of see how this person could have interpreted my friendship advances as even more awkward than the original awkwardness between us in the first place.  I tried to use motherhood as a bonding agent, and it just didn't work.  It didn't work b/c motherhood does not bond all mothers.  I learned that early on in 2010, and I don't know why it didn't occur to me that in this situation, although unique in the details, the same rule applies.

My 2009 Reflection referenced new friendships and finding comfort in the common bond between myself and other first-time moms.  I created a play group for myself and Jack, and although it has evolved and we have lost a member, the group is still in tact.  "My Mom Picked My Friends" (MMPMF) has been an extremely valuable social link for my family; we always have another couple to hang out with or an activity to do as a group or even just people who can relate to us to offer support in a stressful time.  It has meant so much to me too that the dads all get along and stay involved; I think it actually helps each mom get support and understanding from her own husband when he sees other husbands and dads participating in the same ways.  Even though our individual family lives are very different, we all have a respect for and commitment to the group and the reason for which it was created. 

I think that is why it was so hard for me last year when one of the original MMPMF moms and I had a bit of a "falling out."  I wanted so much to maintain the joy and spirit with which the group was founded.  I wanted to be welcoming and accepting and open to different opinions and advice and lifestyles.  I truly believed that since we were all moms we could undoubtedly be friends and it didn't matter how different we were b/c we all had motherhood in common, and that alone was enough to bond us forever.  Oh how misguided, ideal, and naive I was to think that way, even if the thoughts were from the purest place in my heart.  It was actually electrifyingly painful for me when one of those assumed bonds broke and I was shocked back into the reality that, unfortunately, motherhood does not bond all mothers.

She wasn't wrong, and I wasn't right.  Neither of us won any sort of ridiculous so-called argument we may have had.  I do believe there is still a mutual respect and element of "I get it" that all moms [should] have, and those things existed between us even though the friendship itself became strained, eventually to the point where maybe this mom felt a wedge driven between herself and the rest of the group, and she ended up pulling out.  I wasn't disappointed when she did.  I had been feeling anxious whenever I was around her.  I was jumpy and uncomfortable during our group activities, and I was unable to be myself, or rather, I was doubting who I was as myself and as a mother.  I certainly did not want to pin the other moms against her, although my gut told me they would likely be more drawn to my "side" if I shared it with them, and it took months before I finally opened up to one of them, and even then, I held back.  The group itself was important to me; I felt shameful about my part in the failure of this friendship, and I did not want the group to suffer or become dismantled because of it.  No matter how hurt my feelings were, I wanted to protect the integrity of the group and respect the privacy of this particular mom. 

When I did finally open up to someone, I ended up feeling so much relief!  My feelings were validated and even affirmed to an extent that made me feel so much more confident as a mother and even as a person! Some of the guilt from both the situation itself and keeping it a secret could finally dissolve, and suddenly the pressure was off of me to be this fake, unaffected, smiling robot when with the group.  A few months later, this one mom seemed to be consistently unable to make group events, so collectively we decided I should ask her if she wanted to remain in MMPMF.  In a kind email, she declined on the basis of her busy schedule and not being able to commit to the group whole-heartedly.  I was so appreciative of her decision; I can only imagine she was also grateful for the "out" I conveniently gave her. 

Now, with our kids all in toddler hood, MMPMF has 4 mom members, and I believe we have all come to know each other pretty well.  We are definitely different in our parenting styles, in our marriages, in our every-day lives, and we each have our own personalities, I'm sure with both endearing and annoying qualities.  I can't speak for all the moms in regards to each other, but in speaking for myself, I can say with 100% certainty that these women are my "good friends."  They like me just the way I am, and I am secure around them as a woman, as a friend, and yes, as a mother.  Motherhood may have spawned our meeting, and it may be something we all have in common, but motherhood is not the bonding agent that keeps us together.  It is our understanding for each other, our compatible and complementing personalities, our similar big picture ideas, our acceptance of others, and just plain God's plan that we are the friends we are.  I still consider the other mother a "friend," but it is on a different level, somewhere between friend and acquaintance.  She and I have too deep a history to be mere acquaintances, but our lives do not mesh well enough to be good friends.  Simply "friends" will do.  I say that respectfully.

And that leads me back to the lesson relearning moment that inspired this post in the first place.  The delivery of the information that reminded me of this lesson was unexpected, as it came as part of what I thought was an unrelated topic.  In fact, I was so surprised by the news that my efforts to connect with this woman on a friendship level had been so ill-received that it actually opened the floodgates of emotion within me for the years of not understanding the origin of our "beef."  Our family ties and friendship connections would make it seem that we should be close, and even if we weren't in the past, now we are grown ups, and maturity should factor in somewhere, right?  And now there is motherhood too, and of course that would HAVE to be the defining common ground that would inevitably clear the air and evaporate the big black cloud that looms overhead whenever we are in each other's presence.  But it didn't.  No matter how bright and sunny my friendship intentions are, the dark cloud is still there.  Motherhood is not enough to make it go away.  Motherhood does not bond all mothers. 

I am no longer looking at that big black cloud as a bad thing.  It is there; it does exist; it isn't going away.  I can't force it, and I can wish it all I want to, but wishing won't will it away either, so why waste the energy?  Instead I feel like I have finally found closure.  In relearning the lesson that motherhood does not bond all mothers, I have found an even greater appreciation for all the mothers in my life with whom I do have a bond.  (Some of them are part of MMPMF, but most of them are not.)  I want to nurture those relationships so they continue to grow and bloom, and I want to surround myself with good friends and share experiences with other moms whose families enjoy time together with mine as well.  I want to raise my son to be comfortable in his own skin and confident in who he is by being an example of that myself and choosing to accept that not everyone is going to like me.  Not everyone will want to be my friend.  Not everyone will be the same kind of ______ I am.  Motherhood does not bond all mothers.

Often times I have written something in a Reflection that was so moving to a reader that they commented on it to me personally.  Those comments mean so much to me, to know I have touched someone through my words, through my descriptions of my own experiences.  Sometimes the comments are negative, and maybe the reader's interpretation of my writing was different than I intended.  Over the years I have had so many different formats for my Reflections, but I have tried to keep the general theme of each piece about what I have learned in that year.  With each year, my list of readers grows longer and broader.  Part of that is b/c I meet new people, and part of that is b/c I have forums such as facebook and email to make distributing it even easier.  What I found with my 2010 Reflection is that some of the feelings I had did not make it into the piece b/c I wanted to keep it, in a way, PC.  I wanted to make sure that I didn't offend my readers or project a negative attitude towards my own life or situation, when in fact, 2010 was a tough, hard year.  In response to my 2006 Reflection, which was rather melancholy, someone sent me a hurtful message with reference to someone in my family, crossing a very personal line and having drawn some pretty harsh conclusions from the overall tone of the piece.  Ever since then I have always felt the need to be more careful with what kinds of learned lessons I make public. 

That being said, the future is unsure for my Reflections.  It feels like some of my raw honesty is being stifled.  The organic nature of my writing is in a sense disappearing in [not my] favor of a more censored and socially acceptable version.  Part of why it took me so long to write this last one is b/c I had to find a way to tell the truth about what I had learned without singling out anyone who may have contributed to that particular lesson.  A "one-liner" is hard to edit when it is already just one line. 

But now I have blogging, and I'm beginning to find my writing "voice" here in more frequent and regular visits.  Perhaps it will be easier to create my Reflections with some additional documentation to refer to when the end of the year draws near. 

So back to this blog post now...why did I digress?  Well, the lesson relearned here was absent in my 2010 Reflection.  I'm not totally sure why.  Maybe b/c of the reasons above, like trying to be more PC and not hurt anyone's feelings, but also I think b/c I was in denial about the lesson itself, feeling that there was still hope for a friendship with this new mother, and knocking the MMPMF incident down to just "agree to disagree" status.  I am pretty sure I got it figured out now!  Commonalities are not bonding agents, but merely starting points for the development of a bond that may or may not stick when other factors are applied to the relationship. 

Conclusion: Motherhood does not bond all mothers.