It was a gorgeous day. I spent it inside, in the only part of my office suite that does not have windows, and with my nose buried hard into the computer screen as I played catch up on my work from all the time I missed while sick with the flu and training a new co-worker at a different office location. I was beyond busy. I think I accomplished nearly two-thirds of what was my goal. I even stayed a half hour longer. Bah-humbug.
As I was leaving I decided that I would go home and quickly change and take my favorite person and 2 dogs for a walk in this perfect spring-like weather. I was excited. My mood was intense, my senses were all electric from the sunshine and mild breeze-induced giddiness. When I got home I immediately got ready and asked Jack-Bo if he wanted to go outside on a walk. "Okay," he said, but he thought I meant outside onto our deck. I tried to tear him away from the balcony door to put his shoes on, and he willfully resisted. I then tried to reason with him and explain that if he wanted to go outside we had to put on his shoes. Somehow we managed that, but in the midst of it all he wanted to both blow bubbles and ride his 4-wheeler. I was all set to take myself, a toddler, 2 dogs, a 4-wheeler and bubbles out for a little adventure in the condo parking lot, when while trying to open the front door, Jack slammed it in my face. He laughed hysterically and said "bye-bye" as the door swung closed. I opened it, and he proceeded to do it again. I asked him if he wanted to go outside, and he ran to the deck door again. Communication failure once more. Then I started to bring the dogs in (on their leashes) and push the 4-wheeler back inside with my foot when he raced back to the front door yelling "bye-bye" and slammed it yet again. This time I had no more patience. I became deflated. My feelings were hurt. I opened the door, shoved the bubble-holding 4-wheeler back into the foyer and called out to my husband that I was going for a walk and Jack was on the deck. Then I left. By myself. Well, with the dogs.
As I was walking my mind was racing. I thought about why I was feeling grumpy. I thought about all the things I need to do today, tomorrow, next week and beyond. I thought about the books I've been reading and how British authors are comical. I thought about the pretty day, about the sun in my eyes, and where were my sunglasses? I even thought about how I really need to remember to bring doggy poop bags when I walk, as it seems I continuously fail to do this at the times when one of them decides to go on the sidewalk.
I also prayed. I ran through my prayer list and prioritized and started speaking out loud, having a one-way conversation with God. I thought about all of my blessings and how lucky I am. I thought about my child and my husband and how we have struggled for over 2 years and 3 months now in this economy. I thought about how I wish to be more motivated to take care of myself and my body, to exercise and eat more healthily.
I thought about how peaceful it was in the neighborhood I was travelling. I started to feel good and refreshed as I walked on. I thought about how my dogs were enjoying the quiet as much as I, how with just the 3 of us, there was little to no talking, just me to God and to myself, and occasionally a "c'mon" to them.
In the end I realized that all of these little random thoughts compounded into one message my mind was trying to tell me: I needed this.
I needed this time to myself, this me-time, this quiet, this peace. I needed these few moments to build back up my energy and replenish my spirit which had been temporarily stifled with the slamming of the door. I needed this privacy, this personal attention from myself and to myself, this serenity, this self soothing comfort. I needed me.
As I crossed the street one last time and headed back toward the condo gate I told myself when I go inside I will feel different. My night will be different. I will BE different. I will be better.
I'm not so sure I succeeded. I think maybe I worked myself all up to expect that a simple little stroll could have such an immediate effect on my mood and overall aura. Tonight I was wrong. I wasn't my best self. Still, I am certain I needed that walk. I am certain I need to do that more often. Maybe the little bit of relief I had during that walk is building up like fat stores in my arteries, and if I continue they will eventually fill to the point of exploding, and then serenity will flow in abundance through my veins.
Maybe I just had a bad night. Maybe Mommy needed a time-out. Maybe tonight my happiness stars shone a little less brightly b/c they were competing with the moon that Daddy hung and the clouds that were reflecting off it.
Regardless, I want to walk again, by myself, maybe once a week. Hmmn...
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