When ____________ Gets in the Way

Fill in the blank. 

Plans get ruined.  Parades get rained on.  Ideas get knocked down.  All b/c something gets in the way.  Well folks, for me this week's "blank" was the flu.  I went to bed Monday night feeling a little uncomfortable and woke up Tuesday morning feeling miserable.  To be safe, I took myself to the doctor just in case I needed an antibiotic, which I have not had since long before I was even pregnant, waited in the lobby for about 45 minutes, and paid my $25 co-pay all to be sent right back home with a handout titled "General Treatment for a Cold or the Flu."  So Ibuprofen and over-the-counter nasal spray it is while I just let the flu run its course.

So my flu inconvenienced a lot of people.  I was supposed to train a new hire at work this week, but someone else had to take the reins since I wasn't there.  My MIL had plans to take Jack to spend time with his cousins, but the risk of flu exposure squashed that, and tonight, my nephew was in a musical at school that I had to miss.  I have not left my home since Monday, except to go to the doctor, and I will be stuck here again tomorrow.  At least I know I am getting better b/c I am feeling up to writing for the first time this week, so that has to be a good sign.

The thing is, lots of times the "blank" isn't so much a something as much as it is a someone.  The date who doesn't let you pick the movie, the driver who cuts you off and makes you miss your turn, the friend who steals your boyfriend, etc.  And there are more significant examples too of course, like the spouse who undermines your authority as a parent or the grandparent who lets your child get away with behavior you find unacceptable.  Yeah, yeah, we all want our kids to LOVE us.  We all want to be the good guy, the favorite, and no one ever wants to be the one who says "no," who puts the kid to bed, who forces him to get dressed or have his diaper changed.  No one wants to be on the receiving end of the juvenile punching bag b/c it hurts catastrophically when your child chooses someone else over you b/c you had to put your foot down, enforce a rule or just plain deny them of something they want, especially when everything you do is out of concern for what they NEED. 

So a lot of times we give in.  We give in to the guilt, we give in to our own selfishness, we give in to the frustration we feel when something isn't going as planned, when ________ gets in the way.

In a marriage, even between two partners who are overall loving and supportive, it is often near impossible to control every impulse to not react poorly when one partner creates what is perceived as an imbalance by the other one.  That imbalance can be as simple as a casual interruption during a conversation or as complex as a complete disagreement over something relating to your child.  And as a relatively new parent, it is even harder to demonstrate self control habitually, especially if you have been living your whole life with a tell it like it is philosophy.  The truth is, even honesty typically requires a filter in order to achieve a level of humaneness.  But that isn't really where I am trying to go with this.

As parents, we have to be better than we were before we were parents.  I personally do not know anyone who has ever said they wanted to suck at parenting.  I know there are lots of sucky parents out there, but there are also gazillions of amazing parents who think they suck b/c their toddler is going through a tantrum-throwing stage or their mother thinks they shouldn't use time-out for their children, or their so called friends don't understand why it is so hard to wean a 16-month old, or b/c an online article convinces them that if their child isn't self soothing himself to sleep everynight that he is destined to be in therapy as an adult.  No matter what "blank" gets in the way of our confidence, it is our duty as parents to make decisions, even the hard ones, and inevitably sometimes we will be wrong.

Part of the choices we make are in our reactions when _______ gets in the way of our ideal situation.  Giving in to the frustration by fighting in front of our kids or behaving like kids ourselves over it is surely not a way to be a better parent.  But it is HARD WORK to be a parent, and it takes a lot of lessons.  I am convinced that is why God made kids not have super early memory retention; it offers up a sort of do-over that can be initiated every so often if you have found a mistake has been consistently made and wish to correct it before it becomes ingrained in your child's own behavior.  Of course once you notice the problem it is twice as hard to reverse, but at least you have an opportunity to do so before they can remember and call you out on your complete behavioral U-turn.

For example, we are trying to teach Jack to be respectful of our animals and treat them gently.  If he sees us spank or yell at the dogs, we are sending him the message that it is okay to do so (and he can't exactly tell if and when they are deserving of such punishment).  By recognizing it now, we can be more constructive with our doggy discipline by choosing tactful words like "be quiet" or "hush" as opposed to the ever-so-popular "shut-up" we have previously said that never really hurt a dog's feelings but comes across quite harshly to a child.  Luckily, if we make this change NOW, we are going to get a do-over b/c Jack is young enough to adopt our new and improved tactics.

Of course this same personal theory only applies if there has not been any damage or actual trauma to the child.  I certainly don't think abusers should get do-overs, and I don't think that my little lack of early memory retention concept gives us an excuse to be rotten or make intentionally bad decisions.  I just think for the occasional general parenting screw-up, the stupid fight in front of the baby, the overreaction to when ________ gets in the way, it is lucky that our kids forgive us and grant us another shot by continuing to learn from our example, even when we change the example we set for use of a better one.      

Now, as I sit here writing I think about all the do-overs I wish I could have, even just in the last half hour.  I am far from perfect.  I want to improve.  Each night I pray to God for guidance, and I wake up every morning intending to make a fresh start.  Each new day is a do-over in some way or another. 

So when __________ gets in the way, just try your best to remember that tomorrow is a new day, a chance for a do-over, an opportunity to become a better person than you were today...if not for yourself, for your partner, for your child, or for the world.