The Train to Dreamland

"Chugga-chugga choo-choo...

Night-night to you...

We're gonna ride the train to Dreamland..."

This is the song I sing at bedtime to my sweet Jack-Bo.  He loves trains, so I made up this soft and soothing little lullaby that I just repeat over and over again as his eyelids slowly become heavy until at last, they finally shut, and he enters into dreamland.  I watch his chest rise and fall as his breathing becomes deep and steady, and when I hear him start to snore, I know he is truly asleep.  It is such a peaceful and special moment I get to experience night after night. 

We have a family bed.  Oh, yes...with 2 adults, 1 toddler, 2 dogs and a cat, The McQ Zoo can snuggle like mad!  Typically, Jack-Bo sleeps in the middle, while the dogs nestle respective to their size between mine and Mr McQ's legs, and the cat tends to hover around the top of my pillow or curl up underneath my outside arm.  It can be so comforting to go to bed, especially on a cold night, draped in flannel sheets with all the warmth enveloping us as we enter a peaceful dreamland together.

And sometimes it can be torture.  All those legs and paws interfering with anyone's ability to stretch out, too much body heat and not enough air conditioning, the ever so unfortunate allergy inducing inhalation of pet hair, the growling snores of Mr. McQ and our little dog, Tug, contributing to my insomnia, my child gripping me like his own personal security blanket with no regard for my own need to change position for the sake of my aching back or crooked neck, and the occasional accidental spilled milk, leaky diaper or yes, even hairballs...these are all sources of periodic frustration which often lessen our quality of sleep...but still, we have no intentions of changing our ways.

I have not done extensive research on the pros and cons of a family bed.  I have skimmed articles here and there about supposed "sleep training" or whatever you want to call the process of putting your child to bed, and I read one book I hated, but that's about it.  I am not a doctor, or a therapist or a sleep specialist; I am just a mom who enjoys writing and sharing my experiences with others. If you don't agree with my opinions or MO, it really is okay.  I'm perfectly happy to agree to disagree b/c I hold firmly to the overall principle that you have to do what works for your family. 

The McQ Zoo family bed works for mine...for now.

It's not perfect. It is certainly not always easy, and maybe most importantly, it is not forever.  I give us the right to change our minds at any point in the future.  In fact, what has worked for us so far has changed several times already over the last 22 months of parenthood, and I think one of the main lessons I have learned is that in our family, flexibility is the key to success.  I'm not saying it is right or wrong; that's just how we roll.  ;)

Before our son was born, and before we had our dogs, and before we were married or even living together, my cat slept with me every night.  Then we got the 1st dog and Mr. McQ and I moved in together around the same time, at which point our intentions were to crate the dog.  Mr. McQ, being the sap that he is, could not bear to put his sweet O'Della in the crate before going to bed, so he slept most nights on the sofa with the idea in his head that if he wasn't in the actual bed it didn't count as letting the dog sleep with us.  Eventually this created some resentment :-) from his future wife, so Della was crated, and she did surprisingly well.

Then we bought the condo (Why-oh-why did we do that?  Another story for another post.), and after a late night housewarming party Della regressed and began crying during the night from within her lonely crate.  Mr. McQ just couldn't take her whining, so that night he got out of bed and cuddled with her again on the couch.  The next day he told me that he wanted her to be able to sleep with us, and the decision was made to say good-bye to night-time crating.

Then we got married and added Tug to the mix.  Since he had already spent his whole life caged, we attempted to confine him to a gated area with puppy pads, but after a few months of very challenging potty training, we gave up and resorted to the crate...but from the day we brought him home, Tug slept in our bed with us and the other animals.  My sister made a comment about how people are with their pets is indicative of how they will be with their children, implying that we would most certainly have a family bed when our time to be parents finally came.



Daddy gazing at Jack-Bo on one of our first nights home

 And she was right.  We planned for our baby's introduction to our bed by setting up a cozy little close sleeper device that was just the right size for him, with short, soft barriers on all sides and a special little mattress pad especially for him.  We called it "the box."  We placed it in the middle of the bed between our pillows and night after night we just stared at him, marveling in how safe he was with us, and how wonderful we felt to be together as a family.  For awhile we shooed the dogs and cat away every time they came near for first-time parent fears of germs or pet hair invading his safe little sleep space, but on more than one occasion we entered our room to find either Tug or Sebastian curled up in the box, sleeping soundly and looking pretty adorable.  We decided it just meant they loved Jack-Bo too, and we relaxed about it.

Jack and Earth Bunny in the 2nd "box"

Jack-Bo outgrew the box quickly, consistently being in the 95th percentile or above in height, and once he was too long for it, we replaced it with a contoured changing pad, which was longer but still the same width.  He grew out of that too, and once he could roll over on his own, we put him directly between us.  I was still nursing, so this was very convenient, although I was struggling to get the sleep I needed. 

When Jack-Bo was around 7 months, we got to a point at which we entertained the idea of introducing him to his crib.  After a night of a solid 2 hours listening to him cry while crying myself, we decided this was not for us.  We planned to try again in a few more months.  Some time went by, and as we agreed, we tried again, creating a bedtime routine of dinner, bath and books, and then I would nurse him almost to sleep and place him into his crib.  He slept through the night maybe twice, but for a few weeks we had inconsistent results.  Any time he woke up we would bring him into our bed, primarily b/c he was still nursing.  Then, for his 1st birthday he got a toddler bed.  We stuck to our routine, but we stayed with him until he fell asleep so he couldn't get out of bed.  Some nights were better than others, sometimes taking over an hour before he would finally drift off.  Still, when he would wake up in the middle of the night, we would just bring him back into our bed.

So it may seem like we were creating our own problems by bringing him into our bed when he would wake up, but our reasons for trying him out in his own bed never had anything to do with not wanting him to sleep with us in the first place.  Mostly it had to do with wanting to provide him with the most uninterrupted sleep possible.  At first we recognized he was taking fewer naps throughout the day and needing to go to bed earlier in the evening, but we worried about him alone in the big bed, even though we had rails up.  Then it was more about needing to be able to use the computer in our bedroom after he was already asleep.  Having him in his own room meant we could go in and out of our bedroom freely without worrying that we would wake him.

We stuck with this routine for several months, and it seemed to work out okay for us.  We put him down in his room and then brought him into ours in the middle of the night.  He rarely cried.  He just woke up and called for us to come get him.  We put a child protector cover over his doorknob so he could not come out of his room by himself, so most nights he would be standing at the door waiting for one of us to pick him up and snuggle him into our family bed.  It was typically anywhere between 1 and 3AM.

Considering that we like our family bed, more recently we have changed our approach again.  Jack will still take naps in his toddler bed, but of course someone always has to lay with him until he falls asleep.  It is one thing for 5 foot 2 inch Mommy to squish into that tiny bed with him, but when a 6 foot 2.5 inch Daddy is crammed up against a wall surrounded by stuffed animals and blankies, it is rather hilarious.  Both of us were starting to feel the physical effects of our bedtime routine in the form of aches and pains.  We are getting way too old to contort our bodies to fit into such a small space!  Now, we are back to just putting Jack to bed in our family bed, and it is so much more comfortable.

Another advantage of our family bed is that often I can fall asleep with Jack, which means I get to temporarily overcome my insomnia and catch up on some much needed Z's.  Of course it also means I miss out on doing laundry and blogging and watching TV; but there is no sweeter way to fall asleep than spooning with my precious boy, his heavy head resting under my chin, his little tushie pressed against my belly, our legs curled up together, and his small but strong hand holding mine as my arm rests across his lower back as I'm holding him close.

And on the nights I don't fall asleep with him, I get back up and get on with whatever else I need to do, and we have figured out that the typing and noise from the computer doesn't even interrupt him, b/c the truth is, he sleeps better, more deeply, and most comfortably in our family bed.  In fact, he sleeps through the night.  We all do.

I can honestly say our intention when we have another baby is to make room for one more in our family bed, but maybe by then Jack will be more agreeable to going to bed in his room like a "big boy," or else perhaps the new baby will adjust to the pack n' play and be more used to sleeping in a crib-like setting from the beginning.  I do not know how it will turn out, but I am certain that The McQ Zoo will spend a lot of time over the next few years squeezing together into our family bed.  I imagine there will come a time when it will be necessary to make the transition, but until then, we'll just be flexible when we can and do what works for us.

Kids grow up so fast.  My child is already independent in so many ways; the sleep independence will come when the time is right for him, and I am in no rush for it.  So for now, we'll keep on keepin' on just the way we are going, riding the train to dreamland together...The McQ Zoo way.

The love our family shares is exceptional!