The Put Me to Sleep-er

There is more happy than sad.

I've made lists and counted,

And when the numbers are all in,

The good outweighs the bad.

I can't sleep right now,

And when I can't sleep, I think.

I am stuck all alone in my clustered head

With my scattered thoughts.

The rest of them sleep peacefully.

I hear the rustling of covers and feet rubbing together,

The occasional groan and snores.

I hope they have pleasant dreams.

I'm just thinking.

Right now I am thinking about why I can't sleep.

I am happy.  I feel peaceful, tired even.

Why does sleep evade me?

I want to turn off the thoughts.

I want to sign out and shut down,

But I can't;

I'm a mom.

I'm a wife and I worry.

I worry about the future,

And I worry about now.

I worry about how tired I will be tomorrow.

I am thinking, but I can't think straight.

The direction of my written thoughts is unclear.

The direction of my subliminal thoughts is sporadic.

I'm beginning to feel dazed, sleepy now.

I think I just bored myself to sleep with this empty poem.

Good night.

How Not to Be a Sucky Cop

Update:  Scroll to the bottom to see an update to this blog post...

Okay, so maybe that title is a bit harsh, and who am I really to be talking about how to be or not to be anything cop-related in the first place?  Fine, maybe it isn't my place, but then again, this is MY blog.  So if you want to continue reading, perhaps this will all make sense by the end.

Tonight I was at Outback Steakhouse by Perimeter Mall in Dunwoody, GA with my parents, sister and son.  This restaurant sits grouped with a few others in a shopping center and there is a single parking deck for all of them.  There was also a Dunwoody Police Car stationed at the front of the parking garage with a buzz cut red headed officer who was deeply engrossed in something on his phone when we passed by, on our way in to find a parking place.

My sister was driving, and she turned to the left saying "let's just try our luck over here," as we headed into a no-exit corner of the lot that happened to be on the lowest level of the parking garage.  There were several cars parked, nothing looked out of the ordinary, and we chose a spot maybe 4 from the dead end of cement wall.  We walked into the restaurant, passing the Dunwoody officer on our way out of the garage, and not really thinking about anything parking related.

Enter crazy rain storms, hail, thunder, lightning, massive winds and all around bad weather.  While we ate we talked about how hard the rain was falling, and we made jokes about my mother's new sandals possibly being ruined.  We took our time with eating b/c we were in no rush to head back out in the storm, least of all the walking to our cars part.

Then it became clear we had to go, as my son was getting restless and the relaxation of the evening was coming to an end.  My sister and I went to get the car (a mini-van) while my mother waited inside the restaurant for us so she didn't have to go out in the rain while wearing her new shoes.  My step-dad drove separately.  As we entered the parking garage, the Dunwoody officer was still sitting in his car, just staring at his phone, oblivious to the folks walking past him and certainly not giving off much of a "I'm here to serve and protect" vibe.  It was much more of a "When the hell is my shift over?" vibe.  Just sayin' yall.

Okay, so we get close to the van and we notice there is basically a  zero-entry swimming pool of rainwater that has collected in this corner of the parking garage.  The rain is still pouring, and this "pool" is steadily becoming deeper.  On the driver's side of my sister's van was about 3 inches of standing water.  Further down in the corner is a car that is submerged in water almost up to the passenger side door that we could see and most definitely higher on the driver's side.  Holy crap!  This parking garage was flooding and this car was going to be destroyed!  My sister and I decide we need to do something!  Think quick!  What do we do?  Oh wait, we can tell that cop we saw!  Yes, a cop will be able to do something.  He certainly at least needs to know about this!  My sister splashes in to her driver's side, and she has to back out before we can even put my son in his carseat.  She puts him in while I run up to the entrance of the garage to talk to the officer. 

As I approach the vehicle, the officer is still pecking away at his phone.  I lean down and speak to him through the passenger side window. 

Hello sir, just want to let you know there is a car seriously under water, it is flooding down there, we thought maybe you could do something to help.  No response. 

For real, it is like, going to be ruined, this car, I mean, bad.  This time he just pierces his lips together and unenthusiastically shakes his head and shrugs.  So I go on...

Can't you like, oh I don't know, look up his license plate and see who the car belongs to?  Maybe try to locate them in one of the restaur... He cuts me off with another slow head shake and "I don't give a crap" eyes. 

Huh, okay, well thanks for nothing...and I walk back to my sister's van.  Once I am in the van, we talk some more and we decide he really needs to do SOMETHING, and maybe his brain just isn't working, so perhaps we could give him some ideas.  As we pull up to exit the garage I get out of the van again and approach the officer's passenger side window.  He is clearly annoyed.  I say couldn't you get a tow truck in here and at least salvage the guy's car?  No.  It would be cheaper for him to pay for the tow than to have his car ruined!  No, I can't do that.  Okay, well can you do something?  Anything?  No.  Shrug.  Pierced lips. Slow disinterested head shake.

So my sister chimes in, and we ask him about calling property management.  He finally gets out of his car.  Now look, I can't remember verbatim what was said, but this officer tells us that he works for property management and that God controls the rain, not property management.  He says something along the lines of when it rains it always floods somewhere and he doesn't control the rain.  Several times he reminds us that he has NO CONTROL over the rain.  Really?  Because apparently we thought he did.  Hah. 

In this conversation with my sister and I thinking of all the options and resources to help salvage this drowning car, this officer flat out admits to us that he is aware that when it rains it floods in that corner of the parking garage.  We take that to mean that if he is aware and he works for property management and property management is not doing anything to prevent cars from parking there during storms, well, that means there is a serious case of negligence going on here.  We even suggest to him something about getting a simple sign: Warning: This area may flood in heavy rains; park at your own risk.  Hello???  Use your noggin!  Oh, he does...shaking his head again and reminding us that God controls the rain. 

I say a few choice words along the lines of "you suck," and he flaps his ego feathers, still not showing any sign that he cares one bit about the poor guy's car stuck in the ever-expanding parking lot oasis. My sister and I drive out of the garage to go pick up our mother.  When we get there our mother is on the phone and needs a few minutes to finish a conversation.  So we chat more about how lame this cop is, and then we decide to go back and take pics of the water logged vehicle and the Dunwoody police car.  Now they are posted for the facebook world to see.  Dunwoody Police Car #153 by the way...

So here is what bugs me: if you can't do anything in a sticky situation, especially if the YOU is a police officer, sworn to serve and protect, at least give a crap.  At least express concern for the public's interest.  Go down there and block off the area with a cone or something.  I mean, this is unsafe!  A kid could drown.  Someone could get hurt trying to swim into their car.  I'm not kidding.  Stop letting people drive in that area - it is a dead end anyway!  They are bound to have to drive through some of that water no matter what, even if just to get back to the entrance!  Stop surfing the web on your phone and start doing your job, even if right now that job is just to be a security guard in a busy parking deck.  Contact Property Management, the fire department, whatever.  Since when does a police officer need a reason to tow a car?  That is ridiculous.  The car is going to start floating and bump into other cars soon.  Legal or not, use your brain dude, and get that car moved!  And I'd like to know the real legal ramifications of getting a tow truck out there.  That swimming car is a danger!  Just CARE!  THAT is how NOT to be a sucky cop.  

In all seriousness, if that was my car I would be suing for negligence.  The management of that parking deck absolutely should have a sign posted acknowledging the flood zone and warning people to park at their own risk.  But even if tonight was the first time this ever happened, that officer should have been more proactive.  He's a cop.  He can speed any time he wants and flash a gun.  There is NO REASON he could not have ventured into the 3 or 4 restaurants around there and tried to find the poor owner of that unfortunate vehicle.  I am certain there is nothing illegal about that. 

The most frustrating part of my experience with this officer was his attitude towards me and my sister.  Even if he didn't want to help, or if he TRULY was not in a position to do so, he could have shown some level of compassion and concern for the situation.  He could have been more polite, even just slightly.  He could have lied to us even!  I'm so sorry ladies, I've tried to locate that car's owner and I have not had any luck.  He could have acted shocked even if he wasn't.  That is pretty crazy, let me see what I can do!  Then we could have driven off and he could have easily gone back to his cell phone without giving it another thought, the two nosey women appeased and on their merry way.  There are a million ways he could have reacted that would have been more appropriate, but instead he was just a jerk.  And that is just my G rated opinion.

So cops out there, I am not going to group you all with this guy in the sucky department.  I have faith that you are out there working hard to keep us safe.  I don't believe that one bad apple spoils the bunch...but people, if you happen to come across the Dunwoody Police car #153 with front plate #1439, and if the officer driving it is a tall buzz cut, red-headed dude, just don't expect too much.  At least not in the way of help. 

That's my rant for tonight.  Peace out.



Update: Today I went to The Chastain School's Spring Fling Festival where police, fire and ambulance crews were there with rescue vehicles on display.  I spoke with a very kind Sandy Springs Fireman and asked him if there was any legal reason why a car could not be towed at the authority of police if posing a danger in a public place, and he confirmed my belief.  He said that in the event of a flooding parking garage in a public place, had the fire department been called they would have moved the car as part of standard search and rescue efforts.  He did not bad mouth the cop, but he did make a general snide statement about Dekalb County Police.  I don't know if the different departments have beef with each other, but next time I see a flooding car in a parking garage, I think I'll skip the cops and call the fire department instead!  Today I am glad I live in Sandy Springs!

An EGGcellent PerspEGGtive

When you have been justifying every purchase for 2+ years it feels really good to just buy something(s) without thinking twice. I'm not talking about a new car or a dream vacation of course, but a new cooler is nice, along with a few goodies for Jack's Easter basket. It always baffles me at how quickly the dollar $igns add up when you randomly throw little odds and ends into the shopping cart, and then realize you still need to buy toilet paper or another big ticket necessity. Next thing you know you are in the check-out lane doing the math in your head and wondering how the heck am I going to pay for all of this, and what can I put back? Is the $2.78 toddler silverware set really going to make that much of a difference? Maybe if I put the plastic cup, bowl and plate back too we will cut our bill by about $12...

I do not know anyone who enjoys having to live like that, and I only personally know a handful of people who don't have to. Most everyone I know has to watch their pocketbooks pretty closely these days, carefully sorting their priorities, putting financial obligations at the top and entertainment at very the bottom or sometimes not even on the list at all. Even the people I know who are not what I consider to be struggling still have to be smart about their money! We all have to decide what matters to us and use what money we have wisely. Period.

But this past weekend, in addition to our new awesome cooler, we loaded up the cart with a Coleman lunch box for Brett, a few mini freezer packs to go in it, some fancy mozzarella cheese for a pasta salad I wanted to make, a bunch of cute Easter things for Jack and topped it off with a well-priced 30-pack of Bud. When it was time to pay I could not believe we managed to hit over $125, but for once, I did not even think of putting anything back.

Old habits are hard to break, and some habits are good to have anyway, like being price-conscious or always seeking out sales, but this time I didn't really flinch too much at our Wal-Mart bill. I just took it for what it was worth, all $125+, and chalked it up to a great family outing. We deserved it.

But how quickly I turned back into my old McFrugal self the next day when having to buy 1 ticket at Stone Mountain for Brett. Since I am a member, my guests get in at a discounted rate, but the catch is that you have to wait in line instead of using the automated kiosks. Now I realize that some people HATE waiting in lines, and the price difference in this case between waiting and not was only $4, but for whatever reason, my instincts told me to choose the line over paying the extra money, even when the sun was hot and the line was S-L-O-W.  Looking back, I can only explain it as my habitual mentality, believing that every penny counts and that $4 bucks could buy my kid breakfast for a week. Maybe if Jack had been upset or disruptive I would have justified it differently, but the fact is we all have our priorities, and for me, saving $4 is worth a bit of a wait...but you know what isn't? Store brand ketchup. Yeah, that's right. I only like Heinz, and I will pay the premium for the good stuff. Just call me a snob.

Jack's 1st Easter: April 4, 2010, 8 months old

And you know what else really matters to me? Jack's Easter basket. Last year, for his first Easter, at a time when money was really super duper tight, I bought an adorable bright green football field-shaped bucket with a yellow goal post handle and filled it with Little People toys, Gymboree bubbles, Tonka trucks, a Nerf football and more! It was a gloriously colorful overflowing display of joyful Easter delight, and it was worth every second of my then 8-month old angel's excitement as he dove in to what seemed like a bottomless pit of surprises. I want to experience that again and again, year after year, and I will find a way, regardless of our financial woes, to always make it happen.

This coming Easter, the task is a little easier, with Brett having a steady job of course, and thus I did not put back the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse mealtime set or worry about the price of the basketball themed Easter basket. I have a collection of little gifts that have been piling up over the last few weeks, and now that I think about it, I am not even sure they will all fit in what I just bought, so I may have to pick out something slightly bigger. Also, this year Jack can have some candy, so I will definitely have to get him his first chocolate bunny! I can't wait to see him run around and find all the sports themed eggs we'll have filled with treats and "fruities" and listen to him squeal with each new discovery! He is going to have at least 3 official Easter Egg Hunts with all of our family celebrations!

So maybe we are spoiling him, encouraging overindulgence and spending way more than we should on silly plastic eggs and such, but I love it. I love the commercialization of holidays. I love the joy and hype that comes with it. I love the magic of the Easter Bunny and all the creative springtime themes. Where's the harm in that? You can't put a price tag on a celebratory spirit! Besides, I said "plastic" eggs, not "golden" eggs! And anyway, our money spent is good for the egg-conomy! It all balances out somewhere else, right?

Right. So we'll stand in the longer line for the cheaper tickets and shop at Wal-Mart for lower prices, but we will always eat our burgers with Heinz ketchup and fill our Easter baskets with (plastic) Egg-stravagance!

"A Full and Thankful Heart"

Recently I attended an AA meeting to celebrate a loved one's 20th year of sobriety. The meeting was much different than I expected. Most of the people there were older than I had imagined, and very few of them actually looked like my mental vision of an alcoholic. There were men and women of all walks of life, most of them upper middle aged with lines of wisdom in their faces and flashes of pain in their eyes. White, black, even a 79 year old Asian woman – this disease does not discriminate, and together they gathered to support each other along the 12 step journey to one common goal of sobriety through a relationship with God. It was, rather it IS, a safe place. There are no judgments here, for who are they to judge?

Near the entrance of the meeting room was a "Birthday Table" with cake and coffee and snacks along with 2 gift bags, each adorned with a numbered balloon for the Sobriety anniversary being celebrated, one with 20, and the other with 6. At the front of the room was a large table made of smaller tables pushed together, where 20 or so people sat, seeming to be the more "regular" crowd. Above the table was a sign hanging on the wall posting "The 12 Steps" and another one listing something like the guiding principles of AA. I was too far away to fully read it, but I did make out the reference to a relationship with God "as we understand Him" in more than one step.  This gave me comfort, knowing that any interpretation of God or spiritual connection to Him was considered a viable foundation from which to build a sober life, and it became clear to me how this room was filled with such a diverse group of people.

Rows of chairs were lined up behind the table, and in each chair was a small book. I sat with my family in the first row, and quickly the rest of the seats were filled. A grey-bearded man wearing a maroon sweatshirt and an appropriately sleepy look (for a 7:30AM meeting) made some announcements and explained how the meeting would run. Everyone seated at the table would get to “share,” and then at a certain time the floor would open to those seated elsewhere, at which point anyone who wanted to share could raise a hand and be called upon to do so. It wasn't until the end of the meeting that I understood why some people rushed in to claim their seat at the table; it was the most likely way to be heard during the official meeting.

They began with a reading from page 37 of the small book, As Bill Sees It, asking my loved one to read it aloud to the group:

A Full and Thankful Heart

One exercise that I practice is to try for a full inventory of my blessings and then for a right acceptance of the many gifts that are mine - both temporal and spiritual. Here I try to achieve a state of joyful gratitude. When such a brand of gratitude is repeatedly affirmed and pondered, it can finally displace the natural tendency to congratulate myself on whatever progress I may have been enabled to make in some areas of living.

I try hard to hold fast to the truth that a full and thankful heart cannot entertain great conceits. When brimming with gratitude, one's heartbeat must surely result in outgoing love, the finest emotion that we can ever know.

Grapevine, March 1962

And with that the sharing began, starting clockwise around the table. Most people congratulated the "birthday boys" and said a snippet of how one or the other had inspired them, encouraged them, listened to them in crisis, and in some cases, even been their sponsor.  Some also discussed their interpretation of the day’s reading and how their own experience related to it. There was a lot of expressed emotion, but I was surprised that no one was crying. I always imagined a room full of people crying to each other and sharing sob stories about their rock bottom moments, but maybe that doesn’t happen in all meetings, at least not celebratory ones. As I was listening, I found myself getting choked up and proud of my loved one’s effect on the lives of so many people. I glanced around to see the faces of others, thinking to myself that if anyone was in crisis right this minute, I couldn’t tell. I felt a little uneasy too, wondering if anyone there thought I was an alcoholic, and then I felt ashamed for caring. It wasn’t so much that I thought myself better than any of them, but I didn’t want to be seen in the same stereotypical light in which I had seen them prior to coming.

There were a few speakers who hit close to home, sharing their interpretation of “A Full and Thankful Heart” in such a way that applied to my own life experiences, even without being an alcoholic. The basic meaning of the reading is that by surrendering to God, it is through Him that one is able to live a positive life, expressing gratitude for one’s blessings instead of stroking one’s own ego for daily accomplishments. Many of the speakers admitted they were self-centered, and that much of their addiction was about selfishness, that in finding a relationship with God they have also found gratitude instead of self-pity.  This same concept applies without being an addict.  How often I've said "poor me" and chosen a path of self-destruction over gratitude for the blessings I've been given.  And I have certainly been known to pat myself on the back rather than thank God for giving me the tools I needed to succeed. 

I'm not saying we can't be proud of ourselves for what we accomplish in life or what we bring to the table - most of us work hard for those things - but I can certainly understand how occasionally a nice way to check our egos is to acknowledge the gifts we've been given, including the spiritual guidance and the support of those around us, and just be thankful.  Even more deeply, and as a mother, I personally agree that "brimming with gratitude" my "heartbeat" does "surely result in outgoing love," most intensely for my child, and THAT is undoubtedly "the finest emotion" I have ever known. 

I don't claim to be fully aware of the principles of AA.  I did not do any research before writing this piece, other than looking up how book titles should be punctuated.  I certainly did not retain every word from the posted "12 Steps" sign.  I am simply writing this from my gut, documenting how attending this AA meeting made me feel, what sort of personal realizations I had during my experience there.  Being in the presence of so many people who have struggled with addiction, many who continue to struggle every day, made me thankful that I do not have the disease of Alcoholism.  It made me thankful that my loved one has been committed to such an amazing program for 20+ years now.  It made me proud of my mother and step-father for their careers in behavioral healthcare, and it reminded me to take a "full inventory of my blessings."

But perhaps the most touching speaker was speaking directly to me, without even knowing it, (through God of course), describing my circumstances almost exactly, and putting words to the thoughts I've been trying to express through my writing and every day approach to living.  I wish I could remember verbatim what he said, but I'll have to summarize instead.  He said that throughout his life he has wanted lots of things, many of them just material; specifically he mentioned a Land Rover with a great sound system as an example, and this was somewhat comical, but also very honest.  He said he had been angry for not receiving the things he wanted.  He said that he had been selfish and full of self pity (now I am not saying this is the part that describes my life, but I'm getting there, so just bear with me), that drinking had been part of his pattern of feeling sorry for himself.  He then went on to say that now, through his relationship with God, he is able to look back on those times and know that it was a blessing in disguise that he did not have those things b/c at the time he wanted them, he probably could not have handled them.  It made him realize that throughout his life, he has always had exactly what he needed to live in each moment.  That's it.  Right there.  That is the purest, truest, most perfectly fitting description for what I have wanted to express myself in regards to my own life experience.

I could apply this concept, that I have had exactly what I needed to live in each moment, to the last 3+ years of my life, and most of those who know me would believe I was referring to the hard times my family has endured in this bad economy, that despite the challenges we've faced I have remained relatively optimistic, tried to live my life joyfully, thankful for my blessings, and not dwelling on the misfortune, but rather looking on the bright side.  I can honestly say all of that is true.  I really do believe that God has given my family exactly what we needed to live in each moment so that we were never truly without the basic necessities and much more for that matter.  I know deep within my heart that even in my darkest hours of fear and worry God was there with me, looking out for me, encouraging me to seek His guidance, and providing for my family day in and day out.

Oh, but it gets even deeper.  The speaker said that it was a blessing that he did not receive many of the things he wanted in the dark times in his life b/c he would not have been able to handle those things.  An obvious example for how this relates to my own present life is my desire to have a house, but let's face it - if we had a house we would not have been able to afford it for the last 3 years, and we may have been one of the unlucky millions to lose their homes as opposed to one of the few who successfully closed on an official loan modification program, and without ever missing a payment at that!  Thank GOD we did not have a house to add to our financial responsibility!  Thank GOD we were able to secure lower payments for our condo, and thank GOD we never had to sacrifice our own moral standards by defaulting on any of our bills!

But that is not the depth to which I was referring above.

I'm going back further in my past now.  Not 3 years or even 7 years, but more like 12 years, 15 years.  I realize I am making myself sound really old when in fact I am not even 32, but 15 years ago I was in high school.  I was dating guys my mother wanted to kill, and each relationship was as toxic as the alcohol that spawns addiction.  I was in the midst of full-blown teenage angst; I was angry at my family.  I blamed them and everyone else for my downfalls.  I made a lot of poor decisions, but I swore I knew what I was doing.  I was smart, I was educated, I was far from stupid, but still, I made a lot of bad calls.  Even then I knew I wanted to get married.  I knew I wanted to be a mom.  I have always wanted that.  I have never yearned for anything as much as I have yearned for a child.  That craving, that instinctual gut desire has never ceased to exist inside my heart.

Oh, but thank GOD I did not marry one of those crazies!  Thank GOD I did not get pregnant before I was actually mature enough to be a mother (even now my maturity is still often in question!).  Thank GOD I was not given a child to be born into a lifestyle of turmoil and a lack of stability.  How true that I would not have been able to handle motherhood or marriage back then.  I could barely handle me.

I may not have had all the things I wanted, but God still provided for me; He gave me exactly what I needed to live in each moment back then, even though I didn't know Him yet.  I knew OF Him, but I did not know Him in my heart.  I did not feel His presence in my life.  But He was there.

I can't remember the exact moment when my life changed.  I know that it has been and still is a work in progress.  I know that there was a day when my sister encouraged me to pray for what I want in life, without feeling guilty about it; I have a natural tendency to feel bad for asking for things when logically I know my own life is so much less tragic than many in this world, with poverty and war and starvation and sickness, and I found myself just not praying at all, justifying that someone else's prayers were more important.  My sister softly suggested that I pray anyway, and just see what happens.  She already knew the power of prayer.  She is pretty freaking awesome.

When I started praying I figured out pretty quickly that I wasn't sure what I should pray for.  Of course I could pray for a new car or more money, but I knew these things wouldn't make me feel better.  Money and material things would not heal my heart.  I then had a conversation with my step-dad, and he told me that one of the things he prays for is a sense of humor.  So I added that to my prayer, and believe it or not, I started to feel better.  I knew it was working.  I knew God was working in my life.  It was through the advice of those two loved ones that I established my own prayer asking God for "continued guidance" on my life's journey to a "personal place of peace."  To this day I find comfort in those words as I say them to God in my prayers.

My relationship with God was founded not much differently than that of the man whose words touched me so deeply at the AA meeting.  He was in a bad place in his life, and he sought comfort in a relationship with God through the support of a group of people who are now like a family to him.  I was in a bad place and sought comfort in a relationship with God through the support of my family.  Both of us, even in our different life paths, were missing an element of inner peace all b/c we did not know God as the guiding force in our lives.  We were both unable to fully realize our blessings and the gifts that were ours.  We both lived our lives selfishly instead of full of gratitude, and I am certain we both had relationships that suffered b/c of it.  Without a full and thankful heart we both were unable to truly know that feeling of outgoing love.

I've been working on this post for a week now.  I knew the moment I heard this man speak that I wanted to write about it.  I introduced myself to him after the meeting to tell him how his words touched me; I used the example of the economy over the last 3 years for having exactly what I needed to live in each moment b/c that immediately, it was the only example I'd had time to reflect upon, and of course it is currently the most relevant.  In the week I've been piecing this together a lot has transpired in my mind, some of it due to struggles I know some of my friends are facing, but mostly b/c that is just how I write.

I'm not sure if or when I'll be going to another AA meeting, but I am very thankful for my experience at this one.  It was eye-opening in so many ways.  I have a different sort of mental image now of an alcoholic, knowing that it could be anyone really, and I have a stronger compassion and respect for those who seek help through a relationship with God and the support of AA.  I believe I do have "A Full and Thankful Heart," and that from time to time I just need to remind myself to say an extra prayer of gratitude, just to make sure I get my point across to the "Big Guy." 

Hmmn...you don't think He'd be mad knowing I called Him that, do ya? 

Nah!  He has a sense of humor too!         

American Idol-ology

This week on American Idol, the contestants were singing songs that were released in the year they were born.  I can't believe how old I am.  I can't believe that 9 seasons before this one I was 21/22 years old and living a life I can hardly even remember now.  But I do remember watching Kelly and Justin battle it out, and I do remember Kelly Clarkson winning and crying during her epic victory performance of "A Moment Like This."  I can recall her outfit, the burgundy fitted top and jeans, her hair, big loopy curls, the confetti, pouring down onto the stage, and her cracking voice as she sang with overwhelming emotion one last time on the show as THE American Idol.  It is a classic memory to me.

I watched much of the season from my apartment where I lived with my then boyfriend.  My nephew Ethan was a nursing infant, and my sister, living one street over, often visited during the show and watched it with me while I got to be a doting aunt.  It seems I have blocked out the memory of said boyfriend, as I have no recollection of where he was during these episodes.

The thing that is so wild to me is I still remember conversations between myself and my sister, specific things we said as we critiqued and made our predictions about Kelly Clarkson.  It is just so crazy that this show was burned into my memory bank so vividly during such a blurry time in my life.  I mean in all seriousness, I was living in a whirlwind of instability.  My relationship was in shambles, my finances were a mess, my career was non-existent, I was in between deciding about school, my friendships were mostly phony, and my family connections were strained.  I just wasn't in a personal place of peace.

Now here I am 10 years later.  I am married to my hero, I have the most amazing blessing of my son, I am super close with my family, my finances are at least organized, I've found true friendships, I work in a positive environment and I have dreams I can realistically envision coming true.  It is just remarkable to me how much has changed over time.

And American Idol has fresh faces and an evolving attitude.  They have certainly improved the audition process since my experiences (yes, I tried out twice) in season 2 and 3(or was it 4?), creating an additional money making opportunity with food vendors and branded merchandise for sale at the audition venues.  The new judges this year seem to be focusing on talent rather than their own egos or personality conflicts; in fact they appear to genuinely get along and respect each other while being comfortable with agreeing to disagree at times in regards to the performances.  I am enjoying the show more than ever now.  With the original, even-tempered Randy Jackson at the helm, and Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez bringing unique flavor and a double quality of sincerity, the combination of experience, professionalism, talent and entertainment all rounds out into a versatile, well balanced judging panel.  Throw in a little Ryan Seacrest super host action and you have what is shaping up to be an incredible season.  I'm hooked.

But here's the thing...if we didn't have the past 9 seasons of Simon and Paula's non-stop banter with the overabundance of insults upstaging the contestants' talent and the media frenzy surrounding their obsession with each other, we may not have an appreciation for the level of maturity that now occupies the 3 judges' chairs.  Without the years of gossip over Paula's mental state, we may not realize just how "together" J-Lo is, and without the snooty image of Simon in his plain black v-neck t-shirt, we may not enjoy the classy edge that Steven brings.  Without the absence of those 2 attention hogs, we wouldn't be able to see Randy shining now in the leadership spotlight.  There is definitely a refreshing difference this season in the output of comments to the contestants in that the critiques are constructive and tastefully honest.  Personally, I like that approach.  It isn't pussy-footing around a bad performance, but it is showing respect for for their feelings and acknowledging how far they have come to be where they are, even if they don't have the best night.

That's the thing about the past.  Pretty much everything in the past makes us value what we have in the present so much more.  I just watched the movie Kung Fu Panda for the first time a few days ago, and from it I picked up a new favorite saying:

Yesterday is history,
Tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a gift;
That's why it is called the present.

Yes, a movie about a super-hero panda bear inspired me.  It may seem silly, but I really feel that way.  I am so thankful for the life I have right now.  I am not regretful of my past; it is my history, and it has brought me to the beauty of my life today.  Without all the turmoil in my past I couldn't really appreciate the solidity and peacefulness of my present.  If I had not experienced broken heartedness and toxic relationships, perhaps I would take for granted my marriage to a loving, committed husband.  Without the years of self-destructiveness, maybe I would not understand how wonderful it feels to be safe, secure and confident.  I'm just saying that, like American Idol, I owe part of why now is so great to the events leading up to it.  Every detail of my past has contributed to my present, and what an amazing present it is. 

So I will continue watching AI.  I look forward to each week b/c the mystery of who goes home gets solved and the excitement grows!  I am super stoked about the new judges, and I know a big part of the credit for liking the new judges goes to the old judges for being so obnoxious, but I don't miss them, just like I don't miss my old life, and I am excited for tomorrow and what "present" I will have then.

Motherhood Does Not Bond All Mothers - A Lesson Relearned

I learned a lot in 2010, mostly about being a mom, and what kind of Mom I want to be, but looking back at my 2010 Reflection piece, I feel like there is one lesson that I left out.  Sometimes it takes a similar occurrence or familiar feeling to remind me of a lesson I have already encountered, and here it is, already March 2011, and I can safely say that the learning hasn't stopped, but rather it is repeating itself...again.

A few days ago I had sort of a "run-in" with someone who is directly connected to my life, but with whom I do not really have a friendship.  Of course I am being vague in general b/c it is not so much about the specific issues between myself and this particular person as it is about what I gained from this recent experience as a whole.  I finally have closure.  At least "closure" is what I am calling it anyway.

Over the last year I reached out to this person several times in an attempt to be closer, primarily b/c of our mutual connections, but I never really felt my efforts were reciprocated, at least not with equal emotion or warmth.  In our most recent communication however, I have just discovered that my outreach attempts were unwanted, unsolicited and viewed as antagonistic instead of as genuinely friendly.  I certainly did not intend for my actions to come across that way, but looking back, I can sort of see how this person could have interpreted my friendship advances as even more awkward than the original awkwardness between us in the first place.  I tried to use motherhood as a bonding agent, and it just didn't work.  It didn't work b/c motherhood does not bond all mothers.  I learned that early on in 2010, and I don't know why it didn't occur to me that in this situation, although unique in the details, the same rule applies.

My 2009 Reflection referenced new friendships and finding comfort in the common bond between myself and other first-time moms.  I created a play group for myself and Jack, and although it has evolved and we have lost a member, the group is still in tact.  "My Mom Picked My Friends" (MMPMF) has been an extremely valuable social link for my family; we always have another couple to hang out with or an activity to do as a group or even just people who can relate to us to offer support in a stressful time.  It has meant so much to me too that the dads all get along and stay involved; I think it actually helps each mom get support and understanding from her own husband when he sees other husbands and dads participating in the same ways.  Even though our individual family lives are very different, we all have a respect for and commitment to the group and the reason for which it was created. 

I think that is why it was so hard for me last year when one of the original MMPMF moms and I had a bit of a "falling out."  I wanted so much to maintain the joy and spirit with which the group was founded.  I wanted to be welcoming and accepting and open to different opinions and advice and lifestyles.  I truly believed that since we were all moms we could undoubtedly be friends and it didn't matter how different we were b/c we all had motherhood in common, and that alone was enough to bond us forever.  Oh how misguided, ideal, and naive I was to think that way, even if the thoughts were from the purest place in my heart.  It was actually electrifyingly painful for me when one of those assumed bonds broke and I was shocked back into the reality that, unfortunately, motherhood does not bond all mothers.

She wasn't wrong, and I wasn't right.  Neither of us won any sort of ridiculous so-called argument we may have had.  I do believe there is still a mutual respect and element of "I get it" that all moms [should] have, and those things existed between us even though the friendship itself became strained, eventually to the point where maybe this mom felt a wedge driven between herself and the rest of the group, and she ended up pulling out.  I wasn't disappointed when she did.  I had been feeling anxious whenever I was around her.  I was jumpy and uncomfortable during our group activities, and I was unable to be myself, or rather, I was doubting who I was as myself and as a mother.  I certainly did not want to pin the other moms against her, although my gut told me they would likely be more drawn to my "side" if I shared it with them, and it took months before I finally opened up to one of them, and even then, I held back.  The group itself was important to me; I felt shameful about my part in the failure of this friendship, and I did not want the group to suffer or become dismantled because of it.  No matter how hurt my feelings were, I wanted to protect the integrity of the group and respect the privacy of this particular mom. 

When I did finally open up to someone, I ended up feeling so much relief!  My feelings were validated and even affirmed to an extent that made me feel so much more confident as a mother and even as a person! Some of the guilt from both the situation itself and keeping it a secret could finally dissolve, and suddenly the pressure was off of me to be this fake, unaffected, smiling robot when with the group.  A few months later, this one mom seemed to be consistently unable to make group events, so collectively we decided I should ask her if she wanted to remain in MMPMF.  In a kind email, she declined on the basis of her busy schedule and not being able to commit to the group whole-heartedly.  I was so appreciative of her decision; I can only imagine she was also grateful for the "out" I conveniently gave her. 

Now, with our kids all in toddler hood, MMPMF has 4 mom members, and I believe we have all come to know each other pretty well.  We are definitely different in our parenting styles, in our marriages, in our every-day lives, and we each have our own personalities, I'm sure with both endearing and annoying qualities.  I can't speak for all the moms in regards to each other, but in speaking for myself, I can say with 100% certainty that these women are my "good friends."  They like me just the way I am, and I am secure around them as a woman, as a friend, and yes, as a mother.  Motherhood may have spawned our meeting, and it may be something we all have in common, but motherhood is not the bonding agent that keeps us together.  It is our understanding for each other, our compatible and complementing personalities, our similar big picture ideas, our acceptance of others, and just plain God's plan that we are the friends we are.  I still consider the other mother a "friend," but it is on a different level, somewhere between friend and acquaintance.  She and I have too deep a history to be mere acquaintances, but our lives do not mesh well enough to be good friends.  Simply "friends" will do.  I say that respectfully.

And that leads me back to the lesson relearning moment that inspired this post in the first place.  The delivery of the information that reminded me of this lesson was unexpected, as it came as part of what I thought was an unrelated topic.  In fact, I was so surprised by the news that my efforts to connect with this woman on a friendship level had been so ill-received that it actually opened the floodgates of emotion within me for the years of not understanding the origin of our "beef."  Our family ties and friendship connections would make it seem that we should be close, and even if we weren't in the past, now we are grown ups, and maturity should factor in somewhere, right?  And now there is motherhood too, and of course that would HAVE to be the defining common ground that would inevitably clear the air and evaporate the big black cloud that looms overhead whenever we are in each other's presence.  But it didn't.  No matter how bright and sunny my friendship intentions are, the dark cloud is still there.  Motherhood is not enough to make it go away.  Motherhood does not bond all mothers. 

I am no longer looking at that big black cloud as a bad thing.  It is there; it does exist; it isn't going away.  I can't force it, and I can wish it all I want to, but wishing won't will it away either, so why waste the energy?  Instead I feel like I have finally found closure.  In relearning the lesson that motherhood does not bond all mothers, I have found an even greater appreciation for all the mothers in my life with whom I do have a bond.  (Some of them are part of MMPMF, but most of them are not.)  I want to nurture those relationships so they continue to grow and bloom, and I want to surround myself with good friends and share experiences with other moms whose families enjoy time together with mine as well.  I want to raise my son to be comfortable in his own skin and confident in who he is by being an example of that myself and choosing to accept that not everyone is going to like me.  Not everyone will want to be my friend.  Not everyone will be the same kind of ______ I am.  Motherhood does not bond all mothers.

Often times I have written something in a Reflection that was so moving to a reader that they commented on it to me personally.  Those comments mean so much to me, to know I have touched someone through my words, through my descriptions of my own experiences.  Sometimes the comments are negative, and maybe the reader's interpretation of my writing was different than I intended.  Over the years I have had so many different formats for my Reflections, but I have tried to keep the general theme of each piece about what I have learned in that year.  With each year, my list of readers grows longer and broader.  Part of that is b/c I meet new people, and part of that is b/c I have forums such as facebook and email to make distributing it even easier.  What I found with my 2010 Reflection is that some of the feelings I had did not make it into the piece b/c I wanted to keep it, in a way, PC.  I wanted to make sure that I didn't offend my readers or project a negative attitude towards my own life or situation, when in fact, 2010 was a tough, hard year.  In response to my 2006 Reflection, which was rather melancholy, someone sent me a hurtful message with reference to someone in my family, crossing a very personal line and having drawn some pretty harsh conclusions from the overall tone of the piece.  Ever since then I have always felt the need to be more careful with what kinds of learned lessons I make public. 

That being said, the future is unsure for my Reflections.  It feels like some of my raw honesty is being stifled.  The organic nature of my writing is in a sense disappearing in [not my] favor of a more censored and socially acceptable version.  Part of why it took me so long to write this last one is b/c I had to find a way to tell the truth about what I had learned without singling out anyone who may have contributed to that particular lesson.  A "one-liner" is hard to edit when it is already just one line. 

But now I have blogging, and I'm beginning to find my writing "voice" here in more frequent and regular visits.  Perhaps it will be easier to create my Reflections with some additional documentation to refer to when the end of the year draws near. 

So back to this blog post now...why did I digress?  Well, the lesson relearned here was absent in my 2010 Reflection.  I'm not totally sure why.  Maybe b/c of the reasons above, like trying to be more PC and not hurt anyone's feelings, but also I think b/c I was in denial about the lesson itself, feeling that there was still hope for a friendship with this new mother, and knocking the MMPMF incident down to just "agree to disagree" status.  I am pretty sure I got it figured out now!  Commonalities are not bonding agents, but merely starting points for the development of a bond that may or may not stick when other factors are applied to the relationship. 

Conclusion: Motherhood does not bond all mothers.

Catch Me

Jack discovered again the other day that he can fit into our kitchen cabinets.  Of course he has to relocate the lot of pots and pans first, as well as the wok and crock pot, and they usually all end up scattered around the kitchen floor.  We don't use anything from that cabinet anymore without thoroughly washing it right before.  Still, he was so proud of himself, as were we, and I of course took pictures and even some video of a "Where's Jack-Bo?" game.  His discovery was a moment of realization for him that the cabinet had more than one purpose.  Sure, it could be a practical place to hold the pans, but it was also a great place to hide and be silly!

Jack is making new discoveries every day, and I love seeing his face when he does something clever, especially b/c he knows he is clever.  I suppose it is a combination of being clever and testing his boundaries, but we try to give him a good bit of freedom so that he can explore the world around him with a "no fear" sort of mantra.  He likes to climb, so we let him climb pretty much anything except for the coffee and kitchen tables.  He likes to jump, so we give him lots of opportunities to jump off of different surfaces and plenty of bed-bouncing time.  He likes to destroy things, so we have "stations" set up in our home that are specifically designed to be safe for him to just completely obliterate.  Okay, well that last description was a little extreme, but really, we do have a "drawer of random stuff" that he goes through and empties several times a day as well as a few other Destructo Dan-proof zones.  We haven't quite gotten to the lesson of picking up after oneself.

I love his "catch me" smile.  It comes with his head tilted slightly down and his wide, sparkling eyes looking slightly up.  His lips are closed and they form an almost straight line across his cherub face, yet the corners are turned up just a tad.  It is impish, mischievous, and angelic all wrapped up into one magical expression of up to no good.  Today he used his time-out chair to climb on top of a filing cabinet to get candy out of a bowl.  We told him to get down, that he could not have any candy right now.  He proceeded to get the candy.  We removed him from the chair and took away the candy.  He threw a bit of a tantrum, a fake one actually, and then went right back towards the time-out chair.  "Jack, do not stand up in that chair.  If you stand up in that chair again, Mommy will have to fasten you into it for time-out.  You may sit in that chair, but do not stand in that chair."  Jack stands in lots of chairs.  We do not have a no standing in chairs rule.  It just so happens that this particular chair is for time-out and is equipped with a booster seat and lap buckle.  He hates this chair.  He has absolutely no desire to sit in this chair voluntarily, but today he is using the chair as candy-reaching tool.  We watch him as he climbs into the chair again, but this time he turns around and then settles his bottom into the grooves of the seat, all the while staring at us with that little catch me smile.  He kicks his dangling feet and rubs his hands along the "arms" of the booster.  He doesn't stand up again...this time.

I don't ever want him to lose his feisty spirit.  I want him to question the world, question authority, question everything about which he wonders, but I still want him to follow directions, obey the rules and be respectful.  It is such a challenge to raise a child without breaking him, to teach him right from wrong while allowing him his own interpretations of just that.  It seems like as parents we just have to teach our kids to follow the leader, stay in line, and don't rock the boat when what we really want them to learn is independence, perseverance and how to be socially adept.  

Well Jack, your mama is a boat rocker.  I don't always follow the leader, and I tend to break out of conformity, but I still want to be an accepted member of society.  It is a fine line to walk, thought provoking at the very least, between staying true to myself and wanting to fit in.  I hope my son is able to find a comfortable balance in his life to do both.

And this leads me back to Jack's cabinet adventures.  Someday he is going to try to close himself in a locker and some coach is going to tell him to knock it off and get his equipment stowed.  The practical side will battle the silly side of life and win time and time again.  So right now, today, in this stage of his life, I am not going to put up that fight.  I am not going to crush his spirit or stifle his imagination.  Instead I am going to watch his self-discovery evolve and let him answer [some of] his own questions through trial and error; I am going to let him have fun, let him be a child!  They grow up so fast anyway!  Why rush it?

And maybe next time, I will try to squeeze into that cabinet with him.